It's been nearly three months since my last update. Why is it I only update this thing when I'm going through something heavy?
Today was an interesting day. Unexpected conflicts. Uncertain resolutions. Some conflicts yet to be resolved.
I've been writing a lot more of my novel. I've sort of started over. I still may use the 100-odd pages I wrote last year, but since I took such a long break this past spring/summer, I find it quite difficult to "get back into my groove."
Whatever I write now seems disconnected from what I wrote then.
I've also altered the opposition slightly such that a rewrite is necessary, anyway.
I've done heaps of research and written more regularly the past month. However, most of what I've written has been exercises from a writing workshop book I bought. I'm trying to write with more continuous conflict and tension, bringing a mix of emotion to every page.
I've concluded that the primary reason it was so difficult continuing the novel was I'd spent so much time outlining, and with such thoroughness, that I'd essentially "written" the darn thing already. I couldn't bring myself to actually write the real deal because I would only be repeating myself, which is no fun. I lost the momentum.
So, with this new and improved opposition in the works, I'm striving to be more spontaneous, less deliberate, and more open to straying from the very basic revised outline I've produced.
Here goes nothing.
Or everything.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Current Situation
Whoa dang. It's been over two months since my last update. Some friends recently remarked that I never blog anymore, so here are the deets on what's going on.
I came to the conclusion tonight that I must prioritize.
Before when I was working full-time as a Microsoft contractor and also putting in 10-20 hours a week at the tutoring center, I used work as an excuse to put things off. I also used bad traffic, dating, church duties, etc., as excuses.
Some of you know that last fall I started writing a novel. I quit my job last summer to travel and, while abroad, the "idea" sort of fell into my head. I spent all of October-January writing full-time and living off of my savings.
Then I got rehired by the software company around the same time I started tutoring and practically overnight had no time to write. I didn't want to quit tutoring because I also toyed with the idea of getting a Master's in Teaching from UW and wanted the experience.
So I put the novel on hold indefinitely.
I also started dating and going out more.
So in addition to work, boys took a lot of my time.
Nothing was ever too serious; nothing lasted more than a month or two. And deep down, I knew I wasn't ready to commit since my whole life was sort of in transition. I didn't (and still don't) know who I am. Consequently, how in the heck am I supposed to know what to look for in a potential mate?
Most significantly, my spiritual life took a downturn, as well.
Literally the Monday after the weekend of GODencounters back in January, I started working again.
And to be quite honest, planning GODencounters sort of took its toll on my spiritual life. Ironic, right?
One would imagine that putting together such a successful event for God would be beneficial to my relationship with Him. But instead, I got burned out.
Very, very gradually, and without notice on my part, I started spending less and less time with God. And I started to relinquish my church duties onto others, at least where the UW ministry is concerned.
So for the last 6 months, my life has consisted solely of work, tutoring, dating, and socializing.
Hardly any time was allotted to my novel, or to God.
And today one of my good friends outside of church called me on his break and we had a heart-to-heart. He knows that I've been struggling spiritually. He knows about all the guys I've dated the past 6 months. He knows about my novel and how important it is to me that I complete it.
He's younger, just 19, but very wise.
And he put it so simply. He said, "Steph. You need to prioritize."
So that's what I'm trying to do.
Time was scarce because I made time my own.
But time belongs to Him.
I know that if I reconnect with Him and make him the center of my life, that time will be ample once again, and I will, once again, have time to do what's important.
Pray for me.
I came to the conclusion tonight that I must prioritize.
Before when I was working full-time as a Microsoft contractor and also putting in 10-20 hours a week at the tutoring center, I used work as an excuse to put things off. I also used bad traffic, dating, church duties, etc., as excuses.
Some of you know that last fall I started writing a novel. I quit my job last summer to travel and, while abroad, the "idea" sort of fell into my head. I spent all of October-January writing full-time and living off of my savings.
Then I got rehired by the software company around the same time I started tutoring and practically overnight had no time to write. I didn't want to quit tutoring because I also toyed with the idea of getting a Master's in Teaching from UW and wanted the experience.
So I put the novel on hold indefinitely.
I also started dating and going out more.
So in addition to work, boys took a lot of my time.
Nothing was ever too serious; nothing lasted more than a month or two. And deep down, I knew I wasn't ready to commit since my whole life was sort of in transition. I didn't (and still don't) know who I am. Consequently, how in the heck am I supposed to know what to look for in a potential mate?
Most significantly, my spiritual life took a downturn, as well.
Literally the Monday after the weekend of GODencounters back in January, I started working again.
And to be quite honest, planning GODencounters sort of took its toll on my spiritual life. Ironic, right?
One would imagine that putting together such a successful event for God would be beneficial to my relationship with Him. But instead, I got burned out.
Very, very gradually, and without notice on my part, I started spending less and less time with God. And I started to relinquish my church duties onto others, at least where the UW ministry is concerned.
So for the last 6 months, my life has consisted solely of work, tutoring, dating, and socializing.
Hardly any time was allotted to my novel, or to God.
And today one of my good friends outside of church called me on his break and we had a heart-to-heart. He knows that I've been struggling spiritually. He knows about all the guys I've dated the past 6 months. He knows about my novel and how important it is to me that I complete it.
He's younger, just 19, but very wise.
And he put it so simply. He said, "Steph. You need to prioritize."
So that's what I'm trying to do.
Time was scarce because I made time my own.
But time belongs to Him.
I know that if I reconnect with Him and make him the center of my life, that time will be ample once again, and I will, once again, have time to do what's important.
Pray for me.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Bright Side
It will help me make the characters more real. Personal experience is always the best inspiration.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Birthday Coincidence
This past weekend some friends and I visited Vancouver, B.C. We arrived around 8pm Friday night at our couch surfing host just a few minutes from downtown Vancouver. We went to dinner at India Bistro on Davie St. and started chatting.
Dave, our host, was in his 20s. I forgot what subject the conversation was on, but at one point, Dave mentioned that his parents bought their house in 1983. Earlier he had mentioned being born after they bought it, so I said, "Oh, you were born in 1984? What month?"
Dave said, "August."
I continued, "What day?"
He replied, "The 16th."
Immediately I whipped out my wallet to show him my driver's license, which proved to him that my birthday is also August 16, 1984.
CRAZY COINCIDENCE. Considering that Vicki, my twin, was there as well, there were three of us at the table of six sharing the exact same birthday.
I've heard of the "birthday paradox," how statistically, the probability of sharing a birthday with someone in a room of 23 is actually pretty high: 50%. But that's just sharing the same date, not both the date and year. And the reason it's so high is because it's the probability that ANYONE would share a birthday with ANYONE ELSE in the room. It considers that EACH of the 23 people may share a birthday with THE OTHER 22, so that's a lot of different pairs of people being considered. (In a group of 23 people there are 23×22/2 = 253 pairs.)
In this case, I'm only considering myself paired with Dave. I already know that I don't share a birthday with anyone in our travel party other than Vicki, so Dave is the only person the calculation applies to, so just one pair, rather than 253, which drastically limits the odds.
The odds of having the same birthday as anyone are 1/366 (counting the extra day of a leap year). Knowing that Dave was in his 20s, the odds of sharing the same birthyear are 1/10. So the odds of sharing both a birthday and birthyear with any 20-something in the world, randomly, are 1/3660.
Crazy.
Dave, our host, was in his 20s. I forgot what subject the conversation was on, but at one point, Dave mentioned that his parents bought their house in 1983. Earlier he had mentioned being born after they bought it, so I said, "Oh, you were born in 1984? What month?"
Dave said, "August."
I continued, "What day?"
He replied, "The 16th."
Immediately I whipped out my wallet to show him my driver's license, which proved to him that my birthday is also August 16, 1984.
CRAZY COINCIDENCE. Considering that Vicki, my twin, was there as well, there were three of us at the table of six sharing the exact same birthday.
I've heard of the "birthday paradox," how statistically, the probability of sharing a birthday with someone in a room of 23 is actually pretty high: 50%. But that's just sharing the same date, not both the date and year. And the reason it's so high is because it's the probability that ANYONE would share a birthday with ANYONE ELSE in the room. It considers that EACH of the 23 people may share a birthday with THE OTHER 22, so that's a lot of different pairs of people being considered. (In a group of 23 people there are 23×22/2 = 253 pairs.)
In this case, I'm only considering myself paired with Dave. I already know that I don't share a birthday with anyone in our travel party other than Vicki, so Dave is the only person the calculation applies to, so just one pair, rather than 253, which drastically limits the odds.
The odds of having the same birthday as anyone are 1/366 (counting the extra day of a leap year). Knowing that Dave was in his 20s, the odds of sharing the same birthyear are 1/10. So the odds of sharing both a birthday and birthyear with any 20-something in the world, randomly, are 1/3660.
Crazy.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Dangerous Driving
Tonight after I dropped off Vanja and was on my way home, I almost got hit by a car.
Before I get into that, though, let me tell you about my friend.
Last night I had dinner with my friend Drew, who told me about his own scary driving experience recently. This past Monday night around midnight, he was driving home and (an obviously drunk) driver turned out of nowhere onto the street when he didn't have the right of way, crossed the center line, and was driving straight toward him approaching a head-on collision. Drew said it seemed to be happening in slow motion and before he knew it, he was swerving and honking and the guy swerved the other way to correct himself, but not before side-swiping my friend and knocking off his driver-side mirror and driving away in what is essentially a hit-and-run accident.
Two days ago 22 year-old L.A. Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed after a drunk driver ran a red light.
So tonight, I was driving south on 15th Ave W and was just a couple blocks from my turn on Dravus. It was pretty quiet on the roads, no one in front of me. I was replaying my conversation with Drew and thinking about all the crazy drivers out there and, I kid you not, about 2 seconds later I encountered a crazy driver myself.
I glanced a little to my right about a half a block down the road and see a car that is parallel-parked with its lights on. I figure he's waiting for a friend to come out and he's just parked temporarily. Then out of nowhere, he pulls out onto the road without signaling, just as I am a few feet away from him. Immediately I react and swerve to my left into the center turn lane to avoid him, skidding and honking all the while. I was literally less than six inches from his car at one point and, had I not noticed him prior to that, he would have hit me.
I could not believe it.
If I hadn't had the topic of collisions on my mind then perhaps I wouldn't have been as aware of the guy and prepared for him to do something stupid. And then the d-bag proceeded to drive in front of me at 20 mph in a 35 mph zone.
I know I'm not the greatest driver and can scare my passengers sometimes, but never due to something as blatantly stupid as that driver.
WHAT THE EFF.
Before I get into that, though, let me tell you about my friend.
Last night I had dinner with my friend Drew, who told me about his own scary driving experience recently. This past Monday night around midnight, he was driving home and (an obviously drunk) driver turned out of nowhere onto the street when he didn't have the right of way, crossed the center line, and was driving straight toward him approaching a head-on collision. Drew said it seemed to be happening in slow motion and before he knew it, he was swerving and honking and the guy swerved the other way to correct himself, but not before side-swiping my friend and knocking off his driver-side mirror and driving away in what is essentially a hit-and-run accident.
Two days ago 22 year-old L.A. Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed after a drunk driver ran a red light.
So tonight, I was driving south on 15th Ave W and was just a couple blocks from my turn on Dravus. It was pretty quiet on the roads, no one in front of me. I was replaying my conversation with Drew and thinking about all the crazy drivers out there and, I kid you not, about 2 seconds later I encountered a crazy driver myself.
I glanced a little to my right about a half a block down the road and see a car that is parallel-parked with its lights on. I figure he's waiting for a friend to come out and he's just parked temporarily. Then out of nowhere, he pulls out onto the road without signaling, just as I am a few feet away from him. Immediately I react and swerve to my left into the center turn lane to avoid him, skidding and honking all the while. I was literally less than six inches from his car at one point and, had I not noticed him prior to that, he would have hit me.
I could not believe it.
If I hadn't had the topic of collisions on my mind then perhaps I wouldn't have been as aware of the guy and prepared for him to do something stupid. And then the d-bag proceeded to drive in front of me at 20 mph in a 35 mph zone.
I know I'm not the greatest driver and can scare my passengers sometimes, but never due to something as blatantly stupid as that driver.
WHAT THE EFF.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Concert Calendar
April 11th: Cage the Elephant, The Gaslight Anthem, and White Lies
April 19th: 100 Monkeys (Vancouver, B.C.)
April 28th: Yann Tiersen
May 2nd: Sam Bradley (Vancouver, B.C.)
May 31st: Relient K
July 11th: Coldplay
October 18th: U2 (Vancouver, B.C.)
MORE TO COME! :-)
April 19th: 100 Monkeys (Vancouver, B.C.)
April 28th: Yann Tiersen
May 2nd: Sam Bradley (Vancouver, B.C.)
May 31st: Relient K
July 11th: Coldplay
October 18th: U2 (Vancouver, B.C.)
MORE TO COME! :-)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Yann Tiersen in Seattle!
The French composer famous for his soundtrack to the Oscar-winning film Amelie is coming to Seattle on April 28th.
I nearly fell out of my chair at work when I saw the date on Ticketsweb.com.
I immediately purchased a pair of tickets, even though I haven't asked anyone to go with me.
Unfortunately, it's 21+, so some of my young friends can't make it.
This is his first time coming to Seattle. I've waited five years for this day.
Check it:
I nearly fell out of my chair at work when I saw the date on Ticketsweb.com.
I immediately purchased a pair of tickets, even though I haven't asked anyone to go with me.
Unfortunately, it's 21+, so some of my young friends can't make it.
This is his first time coming to Seattle. I've waited five years for this day.
Check it:
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Who You Were Meant to Be
"God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I’ve got a gift and it blew me away
THE GIFT | ANGELS & AIRWAVES
There's the strangest excitement today
If you're awake then you're welcome to hear
I got a gift and it blew me away
From the far eastern sea, straight to here
Oh god, I feel like I'm in for it now
It's like the rush has gone straight to my brain
God my voice is lonely as loud
As I whipser the joy of this pain
And suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all
And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear
If you ask i will do what you say
All we have is this night to get though
With the taste of the smile you're only
You left me all up in arms and confused
Oh god, i feel like I'm in for it now
And how this kiss will be one, roughly vague.
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all
And then I'll ask you to do it again and again
And suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all
And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world that we know disappear
There's the strangest excitement today
If you're awake then you're welcome to hear
I got a gift and it blew me away
From the far eastern sea, straight to here
Oh god, I feel like I'm in for it now
It's like the rush has gone straight to my brain
God my voice is lonely as loud
As I whipser the joy of this pain
And suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all
And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear
If you ask i will do what you say
All we have is this night to get though
With the taste of the smile you're only
You left me all up in arms and confused
Oh god, i feel like I'm in for it now
And how this kiss will be one, roughly vague.
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all
And then I'll ask you to do it again and again
And suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all
And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world that we know disappear
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thank you, friend. <3
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
Monday, February 2, 2009
Structure
Lately I've kinda been feeling like I've been living life aimlessly. Because I work from home (or, Starbucks, rather, since that's where I usually go to write), my schedule is pretty flexible. I don't have to answer to anyone. I'm not used to living without structure.
Structure has always been what's motivated me. In high school, my life revolved around my school schedule, the next assignment that was due, what TV show was on that night that I knew I wanted to watch.
I don't even watch TV anymore, except for the occasional episode of Gossip Girl that I just stream online, anyway, and which I watch at my own convenience.
I don't even know what date it is anymore. This past Friday was January 30th, but for some reason I thought it was the 31st and so when I signed the key form for the new UW club venue, I dated it wrong. I didn't realize it until the next day when I looked at my phone and saw that Saturday was the 31st.
My life is like one big blur. Every Sabbath, the one day of my week with structure, people always ask me, "How was your week?" And honestly, I don't know how to answer them. I know most of them are just being polite and may not genuinely care to know how my week went, but when I think about the answer, I don't know what to say.
My weeks aren't bad, but they're so full of random events and meetings that I can't recall what I did have the time. I usually answer them, "Oh you know. Same ol', same ol'."
I don't even know what the point of this blog is. I don't know if I dislike the lack of structure my life has, or whether it's freeing.
It's just an observation, I guess.
Structure has always been what's motivated me. In high school, my life revolved around my school schedule, the next assignment that was due, what TV show was on that night that I knew I wanted to watch.
I don't even watch TV anymore, except for the occasional episode of Gossip Girl that I just stream online, anyway, and which I watch at my own convenience.
I don't even know what date it is anymore. This past Friday was January 30th, but for some reason I thought it was the 31st and so when I signed the key form for the new UW club venue, I dated it wrong. I didn't realize it until the next day when I looked at my phone and saw that Saturday was the 31st.
My life is like one big blur. Every Sabbath, the one day of my week with structure, people always ask me, "How was your week?" And honestly, I don't know how to answer them. I know most of them are just being polite and may not genuinely care to know how my week went, but when I think about the answer, I don't know what to say.
My weeks aren't bad, but they're so full of random events and meetings that I can't recall what I did have the time. I usually answer them, "Oh you know. Same ol', same ol'."
I don't even know what the point of this blog is. I don't know if I dislike the lack of structure my life has, or whether it's freeing.
It's just an observation, I guess.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Feelings
We all need to honestly consider our actions, all of them, before taking them. I've seen a lot of friends get hurt, both physically and emotionally because of miscommunication, misunderstandings, and sometimes, just lack of information.
Sometimes we hurt our friends inadvertently when it's the last thing we want to do. But if we don't carefully reflect on our actions and how they affect people, the damage can be done before we even know it.
Honesty.
Open communication.
Those are the two key components of healthy relationships, both with friends and significant others.
Sometimes we avoid direct communication in the hopes that troubles will disappear if we just ignore them.
Or we procrastinate and hope it will become easier to confront those troubles as time goes on.
But the longer we wait, the harder it often becomes.
And the more pain is inflicted as a result.
Don't underestimate your friends. You might think they don't know what's going on, but they do.
Do we want to hurt our friends?
I sure hope not.
Sometimes we hurt our friends inadvertently when it's the last thing we want to do. But if we don't carefully reflect on our actions and how they affect people, the damage can be done before we even know it.
Honesty.
Open communication.
Those are the two key components of healthy relationships, both with friends and significant others.
Sometimes we avoid direct communication in the hopes that troubles will disappear if we just ignore them.
Or we procrastinate and hope it will become easier to confront those troubles as time goes on.
But the longer we wait, the harder it often becomes.
And the more pain is inflicted as a result.
Don't underestimate your friends. You might think they don't know what's going on, but they do.
Do we want to hurt our friends?
I sure hope not.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Times of the Signs
Please, let Your will be obvious. I need a straight up sign, yo. I need an explicit question before providing an answer.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Does Time Belong to Anyone?
As a follower of Jesus and someone who loves planning events that help others get to know Him, I've always struggled with dealing with those who are aren't like-minded.
I can't quite define what the name of the struggle would be...I know I should only worry about myself and what I'm doing as an individual to consistently get to know Him and serve Him better, but I always find myself worrying about others.
I'm saddened when I learn that others aren't as motivated or inspired to help in even a fraction of the same capacity. Sometimes this sadness turns into irritation, which is when I know I've crossed the line and let my mind dwell on something it should not.
But when someone says, "[I'll help out] if I have time and feel like it," it's very difficult not to get irritated.
All of our time belongs to God and we shouldn't plan God around our schedules, but should rather be planning our schedules around God.
I can't quite define what the name of the struggle would be...I know I should only worry about myself and what I'm doing as an individual to consistently get to know Him and serve Him better, but I always find myself worrying about others.
I'm saddened when I learn that others aren't as motivated or inspired to help in even a fraction of the same capacity. Sometimes this sadness turns into irritation, which is when I know I've crossed the line and let my mind dwell on something it should not.
But when someone says, "[I'll help out] if I have time and feel like it," it's very difficult not to get irritated.
All of our time belongs to God and we shouldn't plan God around our schedules, but should rather be planning our schedules around God.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Passing of Two Uncles
Over Thanksgiving I learned my dad's half-brother Gary was sick. I didn't see him much growing up and didn't really get to know him until my 16th birthday when he designed the birthday party banner for our celebration with his printing company. Even after that, I only saw him at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the occasional wedding. The last time I saw Gary was August 30th at my cousin's wedding. He had lost weight and looked good, but I had no idea the weight loss was due to something more than a lifestyle change.
He learned a few months ago he had cancer, but at the wedding I was so preoccupied with preparing for the first dance song, at which I was playing guitar, catching up with my cousins, and thinking about my trip to the Philippines and Australia-which I would be leaving for in two days-that I don't even recall saying hello to him. There were 250 people at the wedding and there's many people I didn't say hi to.
I didn't learn Gary was ill until just over a month ago. I heard he was in the hospital over Christmas, but we were told he had a few months to live so I figured I had time to see him. I meant to visit at least once, but yet again, I got caught up hanging with friends and family over the holidays to see him.
I just learned he passed away this morning.
I'm sad, but not terribly so.
My mom just called me to tell me she received an e-mail last night that another of my uncles, Jayme from Brazil, also passed away just yesterday.
Uncle Jayme was my biological father's brother, whom I had never met. I met my real father just once in my life, when I was four, and learned he passed away in October 2005 months later, in May 2006, and that was only because my mom Googled my father's name and found the obituary online.
When I learned my real father passed, I had many mixed feelings. I never knew him and only heard unpleasant things about him from not only my mother, but my half brother and his extended family as well. He was supposedly a selfish womanizer that treated his family poorly, causing his only son, my half brother, to become estranged from him at 18 years old.
I e-mailed my brother when I learned our father died. From him, I made contact with my uncle in Brazil, Jayme. Over the past 2 and a half years, I've been in occasional correspondence with him. In 2006 and 2007, we e-mailed frequently. He even planned to visit us here in the States until his heart condition prevented him. Vicki and I toyed with the idea of visiting him in Brazil, but life happened and so the visit didn't.
It had been a few months since I heard from him until this past October, when I learned he wasn't online as much due to complications with his health. His wife, my aunt, told us we'd better hurry up and visit him before he died.
Too late.
It's odd...I believe I am more sad about Jayme than Gary. I guess it's because I never met him, but he was so kind and even sent us graduation cards and birthday and Christmas gifts in the mail. He was the one living blood relative still alive that really knew my father.
There's always the half-brother, Sam, but he has never indicated an interest in meeting us and I don't particularly care to meet him, either. We've never met and I don't see a reason to.
Then again, if he passed away suddenly, I'm sure I'd be sad as well.
Maybe it's time I actually get to know my biological father's family. One can never have too much family around, right?
Better late than never.
He learned a few months ago he had cancer, but at the wedding I was so preoccupied with preparing for the first dance song, at which I was playing guitar, catching up with my cousins, and thinking about my trip to the Philippines and Australia-which I would be leaving for in two days-that I don't even recall saying hello to him. There were 250 people at the wedding and there's many people I didn't say hi to.
I didn't learn Gary was ill until just over a month ago. I heard he was in the hospital over Christmas, but we were told he had a few months to live so I figured I had time to see him. I meant to visit at least once, but yet again, I got caught up hanging with friends and family over the holidays to see him.
I just learned he passed away this morning.
I'm sad, but not terribly so.
My mom just called me to tell me she received an e-mail last night that another of my uncles, Jayme from Brazil, also passed away just yesterday.
Uncle Jayme was my biological father's brother, whom I had never met. I met my real father just once in my life, when I was four, and learned he passed away in October 2005 months later, in May 2006, and that was only because my mom Googled my father's name and found the obituary online.
When I learned my real father passed, I had many mixed feelings. I never knew him and only heard unpleasant things about him from not only my mother, but my half brother and his extended family as well. He was supposedly a selfish womanizer that treated his family poorly, causing his only son, my half brother, to become estranged from him at 18 years old.
I e-mailed my brother when I learned our father died. From him, I made contact with my uncle in Brazil, Jayme. Over the past 2 and a half years, I've been in occasional correspondence with him. In 2006 and 2007, we e-mailed frequently. He even planned to visit us here in the States until his heart condition prevented him. Vicki and I toyed with the idea of visiting him in Brazil, but life happened and so the visit didn't.
It had been a few months since I heard from him until this past October, when I learned he wasn't online as much due to complications with his health. His wife, my aunt, told us we'd better hurry up and visit him before he died.
Too late.
It's odd...I believe I am more sad about Jayme than Gary. I guess it's because I never met him, but he was so kind and even sent us graduation cards and birthday and Christmas gifts in the mail. He was the one living blood relative still alive that really knew my father.
There's always the half-brother, Sam, but he has never indicated an interest in meeting us and I don't particularly care to meet him, either. We've never met and I don't see a reason to.
Then again, if he passed away suddenly, I'm sure I'd be sad as well.
Maybe it's time I actually get to know my biological father's family. One can never have too much family around, right?
Better late than never.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
happy 2009
Whoa dang. It's been over 3 months since I posted, and even then, the last few blogs were just copy/pastes from e-mails I sent whilst traveling.
Shoot, it's 12:41 and I'm way tired. A couple months ago I stayed up until 2 or 3 am easily, now I'm going to bed at 11pm and waking up at 7am (of my own accord), so this is way past my bedtime.
I got caught up catching up on friends' blogs and realized I need to update my own!
Just read a friend's blog about taking risks.
Shoot, I'm in the middle of a huge occupational risk right now...
Not many people know this, though I imagine it'll get around sooner rather than later, but I quit my job so that I can spend the next few months focusing on something I've been keen to do on and off for years. I played with the idea when I was in the Philippines in September, then spent more time thinking about it in Australia, and pretty much the week after I got back I started working on it. It took a couple months to get a handle on it, but before Thanksgiving I was on my way.
But the holidays kept me busy, with traveling home, visiting with old friends, planning GODencounters and preparing for the new year, so it's been a while since I've gotten some consistent, solid work done on it.
Consequently, I've found myself in a funk and have had to remember what I did prior to the funk in order to get a handle on it once again. I'm still not quite where I was at the peak of my productivity, and this has me stressin'.
Another thing is because I quit my job voluntarily, I don't get unemployment benefits and am living off my savings, which will only last so long.
Top it off with all the news about the recession or depression or whatever it is, and I'm getting super antsy. I keep thinking back and wondering if this was simply a risk or extreme folly.
It's a huge, huge risk. And my parents, while supportive, do seem a little disappointed that their 4.0, Valedictorian, double degree-holding former aspiring dentist is now doing THIS.
And all this fear and worry that it's foolish only hinders my productivity.
I am scared.
For reeeeeaaaaalz.
But I'm already in it this far and I can't stop now. I've gotta do it and push for it and remember that THIS IS MY FULL TIME JOB NOW and until the job's done, I can't relax.
I don't understand how I could survive the stress and freakin' crazy hard work of majoring in Biochemistry, Chemistry, and Art History, take two 4 hour science lab courses that met on the SAME day back-to-back, be involved in church and Thriller dancing and maintain a social life, etc., etc.
I was disciplined. I didn't sleep. I lived each day constantly thinking about the next lab report, exam, experiment, paper, etc.
Now I have just this one thing to work on and it's difficult.
Why can't the fact I'm blowing my savings be motivation enough? It should be even more motivating than wanting a good grade. This is my LIFE. It's my MONEY going down the drain.
I need to get on the ball.
Just do it, Steph.
Shoot, it's 12:41 and I'm way tired. A couple months ago I stayed up until 2 or 3 am easily, now I'm going to bed at 11pm and waking up at 7am (of my own accord), so this is way past my bedtime.
I got caught up catching up on friends' blogs and realized I need to update my own!
Just read a friend's blog about taking risks.
Shoot, I'm in the middle of a huge occupational risk right now...
Not many people know this, though I imagine it'll get around sooner rather than later, but I quit my job so that I can spend the next few months focusing on something I've been keen to do on and off for years. I played with the idea when I was in the Philippines in September, then spent more time thinking about it in Australia, and pretty much the week after I got back I started working on it. It took a couple months to get a handle on it, but before Thanksgiving I was on my way.
But the holidays kept me busy, with traveling home, visiting with old friends, planning GODencounters and preparing for the new year, so it's been a while since I've gotten some consistent, solid work done on it.
Consequently, I've found myself in a funk and have had to remember what I did prior to the funk in order to get a handle on it once again. I'm still not quite where I was at the peak of my productivity, and this has me stressin'.
Another thing is because I quit my job voluntarily, I don't get unemployment benefits and am living off my savings, which will only last so long.
Top it off with all the news about the recession or depression or whatever it is, and I'm getting super antsy. I keep thinking back and wondering if this was simply a risk or extreme folly.
It's a huge, huge risk. And my parents, while supportive, do seem a little disappointed that their 4.0, Valedictorian, double degree-holding former aspiring dentist is now doing THIS.
And all this fear and worry that it's foolish only hinders my productivity.
I am scared.
For reeeeeaaaaalz.
But I'm already in it this far and I can't stop now. I've gotta do it and push for it and remember that THIS IS MY FULL TIME JOB NOW and until the job's done, I can't relax.
I don't understand how I could survive the stress and freakin' crazy hard work of majoring in Biochemistry, Chemistry, and Art History, take two 4 hour science lab courses that met on the SAME day back-to-back, be involved in church and Thriller dancing and maintain a social life, etc., etc.
I was disciplined. I didn't sleep. I lived each day constantly thinking about the next lab report, exam, experiment, paper, etc.
Now I have just this one thing to work on and it's difficult.
Why can't the fact I'm blowing my savings be motivation enough? It should be even more motivating than wanting a good grade. This is my LIFE. It's my MONEY going down the drain.
I need to get on the ball.
Just do it, Steph.
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