Praying for Vision

Hi Mom and Dad,

Sorry I never got a hold of you today. Fridays are always super busy for me because on Friday nights, our Christian fellowship club has meetings and it's my job to get everything organized. I had to meet with a lot of church people to plan things.

Anyway, I have a feeling I know why dad called. Mom warned me that you, dad, would be calling me soon. Dad, I know it's hard for you to understand where I'm at right now. I know it will be even more difficult once I explain exactly where I'm coming from. I don't think I ever truly wanted to be a dentist, to be honest. I had selfish reasons for pursuing dentistry as a career. I knew they made lots of money and that the average dentist today only works 4 days a week. I wanted that lifestyle. I always knew deep down it wasn't for me though, just because I never participated in any pre-dental club activities at UW. I never actively sought opportunities to volunteer in a dental clinic until my senior year, this past year! But I was totally in denial. I kept thinking to myself, that if I just took all the classes required to apply to dental school, I would learn to love it.

Then this past year I finally started volunteering in a dental clinic one day per week. I got to experience firsthand what's it like to be a dentist. I actually volunteered as a dental assistant, working on patients, performing X-rays, checking for cavities, helping the dentist install a filling in a decayed tooth! Although I loved helping the patients, who all happened to be low-income patients coming to this non-profit volunteer-based clinic, it wasn't completely satisfying to me. There were days I would dread coming in to volunteer. It was then that I realized once and for all that I could never spend $160,000 and four more years in school studying to be a dentist. I knew I could never be truly happy as a dentist.

Once I came to that realization, I was so afraid to talk to you and mom about it. I was afraid mostly because I had no backup plan. I didn't even enjoy taking all those science classes required for my Biochemistry and Chemistry double degrees. I was so frightened because I felt I had wasted 4 years of my life majoring in subjects I hated.

I mean, I enjoyed science when I first started college. But you have NO IDEA how difficult it is to succeed in those classes. There are 400 students in one class, and half of them were 4.0 in high school just like me. I was surrounded by overachieving kids who were smarter than I am and who obviously wanted to be a dentist much more than I did. Yet I kept on taking all the pre-dental classes, I kept struggling to keep up, and I kept struggling to get good grades because grades are so important when one applies to dental school. It's just as competitive as medical school. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many hours I studied, my brain just wasn't made for those classes. My grades started slipping and I lost motivation to succeed.

Now that I've had the past few months since graduation to reflect, I know if I could do it all over, I would totally have majored in something else. I would have majored in journalism, perhaps. Or English. Just something that wasn't science. But because my entire college career consisted of studying non-stop for all of those hard science classes, I never had time for my hobbies. I stopped painting. Remember in high school how much I painted? I know mom bought me all this expensive oil paint a few years ago, but I never got around to painting because I always felt school should come first, and so I used all of my free time to study for those darn science classes.

Now that I've graduated, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've forgotten what brings me joy. I can't remember what I used to do for fun.

Since I no longer want to be a dentist, and since I have absolutely no desire to use my science degrees working in a laboratory, I know I have to go to some sort of graduate school in order to get some kind of degree I can and want to use. I know you both have tossed around the idea that I should just do what Roald is doing and get an M.B.A. But I don't want to jump into things. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I jumped into dentistry without thinking it through and without PRAYING about it.

Dad, I know you're not a religious person, so you can't understand what it feels like to connect with God and to feel God leading you. While I was in college, although I attended church each week, I didn't ask God for guidance when it came to my career. I know God created me with special talents for a reason, but I never allowed myself to discover them or to polish those I knew already existed. This past summer though, I've reconnected with God and I can feel Him working in me. I can sense Him leading me to something much more fulfilling than a job such as dentistry. Dentistry might provide financial stability and people might look up to me as a dentist, but it wouldn't allow me to directly make a difference in the world.

And I don't know, maybe I'm just too darn idealistic and I have to just suck it up and understand that the world sucks and is full of problems that aren't my responsibility. But I want to try. I believe we're all capable of making a small difference, and all of those small differences can add up to something totally awesome that can make a dent in the world's problems.

I'm just asking that you remain patient with me.

I know it seems like I'm just being a lazy bum right now, living for free in this condo without contributing to the mortgage. You might be thinking that I just sit on my butt all day and surf the Internet or watch movies. And believe me, I HATE knowing that's what Beverly and Sandy think. And I am more than willing to just pack up my bags and move to an apartment with Bailey or something. I have a few thousand dollars saved up from working at the library. I don't mind moving out and paying for my own rent just so you guys don't have to think of me as a lazy bum, and just so Beverly can stop harassing you.

But I haven't been a bum. TRUST ME. I have applied to so many jobs! I've probably applied to a total of at least 20 jobs over the past month. But most of them are still open and accepting applications, so I won't hear back about getting hired for a while. And I have also become very involved in this Christian fellowship club on campus. Our main goal is to share Christ with others. I'm currently the president of the club and it's my job to get things done. I feel like I'm finally serving people and making a difference in their lives. I've found something that is fulfilling to me.

Mom called me a few days ago and I mentioned that I've thought about going to graduate school to pursue something in Ministry. She wasn't too supportive and I can understand why not. I know I appear fickle and it seems like I change my mind all the time. There are definitely examples of that in my life. I started painting and stopped. But that was because I didn't have time. I got a guitar and never learned to play it. But that's because it's hard to learn to play without a teacher and without the time. I was in school and lacked time, and I didn't want to pay someone to teach me guitar when I knew I didn't have time to practice.

Do you know that over the past couple months, I've picked up the guitar again and have started teaching myself how to play? Right now, mom and dad, there's nothing holding me back. I am not in school so studying doesn't take up all of my time anymore. I no longer have the burden of dentistry on my shoulders.

I hope you can see things from my perspective. Mom, I know you've been praying for me and I am so thankful I have a mother who believes in the power of prayer. Dad, I know you are a patient, understanding father, and I hope you can finally understand why I've been so confused and lacking direction. Please, just give me time. I know God will reveal to me soon what His vision is for my life. I've already got some idea and now I just need to wait and then take action.

I'm thankful for your patience, support, and especially, for your love.

I'll call you soon.

Love,

Steph

A New Beginning

First post. It's been nearly four years since I started my first online blog. I started a xanga account my freshman year of college and used to update it at least once every couple of days, sometimes multiple times a day. Out of curiosity, I just re-read the first entry from that xanga blog, and the last sentence was,

"Well, I guess I should get some math done, as much as I should really keep the sabbath, but oh well. Like I said previously, I need Jesus but am currently stubborn and not answering His calls. Whatever."

I can't believe how much of a difference four years makes. Or maybe it just took being done with college to turn me around, but my spiritual life is totally not what it was back then. I decided to start a new blog since my life is going through a lot of new beginnings. For the first time in my life, I'm not in school. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want to do. For the first time in my life, I am completely counting on God to lead me. I think that merits a brand new blog, don't you think? I even created a new handle. Every time I signed up for something online during the past few years, I used the handle, "ladysmc."

Stemaca.

That's my new handle. That's my blog handle, my monster.com handle, and my gmail e-mail address handle. It seems more mature. It's ambigious. There's no hint of what gender I am within it. And I'm no longer a young lady, I guess. Most people would call me a woman, even though I still feel like a little girl most of the time.

So another new beginning. This renewed relationship with the Creator. Whew, I just let out a huge sigh.

For the first time in my life, I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my Pastors, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my sisters. Even when I started college and thought I was completely independent, I was a slave to so many things. I was a slave to my obsession with Josh Groban. I was a slave to my obsession with celebrity pop culture and watching the latest film, listening to the latest band. I was a slave to my studies, especially. I was a slave to my professors and to my friends and to my own selfish desires. And even though I thought I knew what I wanted, even though I truly believed I was on the path to success, I was more lost than ever because God's will was totally absent.

I attended church every Sabbath. I prayed regularly before meals, in the mornings, before bed at night, I read devotional books. I didn't drink or do drugs or engage in promiscuous activities. But I didn't have a relationship with God. I didn't allow Him into my life and I didn't let Him guide me and mold me into the person He wanted me to become.

It took a crisis, a complete uncertainty about where my life was headed, to finally succumb.

But better late then never.

I am so thankful that we have such a forgiving and loving Creator who, even after I'd neglected Him for years, has welcomed me back into His heart with a warm embrace.

And so now, even though I still have no clue what to do with my life, even though I have two bachelor's degrees and a minor and yet don't know what jobs to consider, I feel the most content than I've ever felt.

I've let the Lord into my life, I've started conversing with Him. I am actually listening, rather than just asking and complaining and talking. And although it might take time for God's vision for my life to become truly revealed, I've come back to the start, and that's what matters.