Tonight after work while running errands, I stopped at one of the UW libraries to drop off books for a friend. It was almost 9:00pm, dark, cold, and raining. I chose not to bring an umbrella because I didn't think it would rain that heavily.
As I approached the book drop, I noticed how dead it was on campus. The library was closed and there was not a single person that I could see. As I turned away from the book drop, it started to rain hard. My glasses were covered in water droplets so I took them off because I could see better without them. I was standing under a dimly lit lamp post, about to turn away, when suddenly the opening notes to "Grace Like Rain" sounded from my ipod earphones.
I don't believe in coincidences.
So I stood there, alone, wearing only a thin sweatshirt and getting more drenched by the second, vision blurred and icy cold. And I decided to carefully listen to the words of the song. I'd heard it dozens of times, sang along to it in church, had the lyrics memorized. But it wasn't until that moment that I thought about what rain means to me. At that moment, rain meant more than just a weather phenomenon that forced me to use an umbrella. It meant more than one of Seattle's quirky trademarks. It wasn't just precipitation or the results of condensed water vapor from the atmosphere being stored up in the clouds and waiting to wash away the residue in the streets.
I thought about how truly cleansing it is, how in the lyrics of "Grace Like Rain," rain is equivalent to the grace of God. It is His forgiveness of us, even when we don't deserve it, it is His free gift of salvation, the sacrifice He made for us, it is His unconditional love of all of humanity, it is grace. And as I stood in the rain, feeling the drops fall onto my head, my face, my shoulders, my body, I understood.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Cure for Pain
I just found out that a guy I went to high school with, Klinton Boylan, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, neuro-endocrine carcinoid cancer, in January 2007. In less than a year it has spread to his liver, bone marrow, lymph nodes, pelvis, spinal cord, everywhere. Last week it got really bad and after tests the doctors have estimated he only has a few more days to live.
I wish I had learned about it sooner so I could have prayed for him and his family. I hadn't even thought about him in ages but Vicki decided to look him up on MySpace randomly and that's how we found out about his condition.
He is only 23 years old with a wife and two beautiful children. I can't even begin to fathom the amount of pain, both physical and emotional, that they are in.
I am crying as I type this.
Lately I've been obsessed with the new Jon Foreman album, particularly the song, "The Cure for Pain." The lyrics are so fitting. Thank God Klinton and his family know and love the Lord. Reading about their ordeal in their blogs reveals how much faith and trust in our Savior they have had and continue to have.
The following is a blog that Klinton posted recently. It's so amazing that even in the midst of his pain and knowledge that he has just a few moments left on this earth, that he is using the little time he has left to glorify God. Read on:
"Oh for Grace
I know it sounds odd, but I have been blessed by having cancer. Yes I hate being sick and knowing that my wife, kids, family, and freinds have to watch me be in pain all the time. But I believe that God has blessed me with a better understanding of just how important life is and to truly know who holds each and every one of our lives in His hands. It is God and God alone who has the right and ability to condem or save. He has givin us this short time on earth to either love Him and bring Him glory, or deny Him and walk ourselves right into an eternity of darkness and pain. (hell that is) To all who don't know God and have denied His existance, now is the time to truly ask yourselves, "Where am I going and why?" We are not judged solely on sin, we all are guilty of that, but we are judged on wether or not we believe that Jesus is who He says He is and wether or not we are willing to repent and turn from our sins and walk His way, or deny Him His rightful place in our hearts and remain dead and ultimately hell bound.
Life in so uncertain. I never thought that I would have cancer and have to life my life this way. Nobody knows when or where or how they will die but we all will die one day and if we don't address what happens when we do die, we will be condeming ourselves already. Don't waste your lives on purposeless thing. Choose life whom is Christ before it's too late and that choice is taken away from you forever. I love you all and hope that we will all be together in the end. Please concider these things I have said. There's nothing more important than eternity.
sincerely, Klinton"
...
Please pray for them with me.
THE CURE FOR PAIN
Jon Foreman
I'm not sure why it always flows downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky
And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows... heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! to suffer like you do...
It would be a lie to run away
So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent 10 years trying to sing it all away
but the water keeps on falling from my tries
2 Timothy 4:6-8
For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the Righteous Judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Kindness=LOVE=Free
The Sunday before Thanksgiving, my cousin Casey and her boyfriend Dan came by to pick Vicki and me up to go to my aunt's annual Thanksgiving dinner at her country club. It's pretty much 30 members of my family from my dad's side, seated at one long table eating Thanksgiving-style food, buffet style. It's pretty awesome, especially since it's pretty much the only time I get to see some of the extended family.
They came upstairs to see our apartment and chat for a few minutes before we headed out. It was discovered that Dan is big on bicycling and has done the STP (Seattle to Portland Bicycle Classic) a couple times, which leaves from Husky Stadium. This past summer the night before STP, which starts at 4:30AM on day 1, Casey and Dan slept in their car in the parking lot of Husky Stadium. We suggested that next year, they stay at our place.
What shocked me is they offered to sleep on the freakin' patio. They were joking, but deep down they probably said it because they don't want to impose on our hospitality.
I know it's not uncommon for people to make offhand comments like that, but I've never actually thought about the motivations behind them.
Why is it most people today can't accept kindness with thinking they have to offer something in return? I'm totally guilty of this myself. I feel bad if someone does me a favor and I immediately feel the need to pay it back.
If we truly have the character of Christ in us, we should be willing to serve others without expecting anything in return. We would be willing to give a friend a place to stay without feeling used or taken advantage of.
I know there's a fine line here, though. It's not black and white and many of us simply want to show our thanks by paying the favor back. But if the sole motivation is to "even the scales" or some fear of being judged as a moocher or whatever, then that's not cool. The fear only implies the belief that the person bestowing the act of kindness must not be giving with a true heart which, essentially, reveals judgment.
It shouldn't be that way.
Let's humble ourselves before God and remember that we deserve nothing in return, including hospitality and other acts of kindness. But to be hospitable and kind is compatible with the character of Christ, so loving God can only result in leading us to give to others, whether it is "payment" or not.
They came upstairs to see our apartment and chat for a few minutes before we headed out. It was discovered that Dan is big on bicycling and has done the STP (Seattle to Portland Bicycle Classic) a couple times, which leaves from Husky Stadium. This past summer the night before STP, which starts at 4:30AM on day 1, Casey and Dan slept in their car in the parking lot of Husky Stadium. We suggested that next year, they stay at our place.
What shocked me is they offered to sleep on the freakin' patio. They were joking, but deep down they probably said it because they don't want to impose on our hospitality.
I know it's not uncommon for people to make offhand comments like that, but I've never actually thought about the motivations behind them.
Why is it most people today can't accept kindness with thinking they have to offer something in return? I'm totally guilty of this myself. I feel bad if someone does me a favor and I immediately feel the need to pay it back.
If we truly have the character of Christ in us, we should be willing to serve others without expecting anything in return. We would be willing to give a friend a place to stay without feeling used or taken advantage of.
I know there's a fine line here, though. It's not black and white and many of us simply want to show our thanks by paying the favor back. But if the sole motivation is to "even the scales" or some fear of being judged as a moocher or whatever, then that's not cool. The fear only implies the belief that the person bestowing the act of kindness must not be giving with a true heart which, essentially, reveals judgment.
It shouldn't be that way.
Let's humble ourselves before God and remember that we deserve nothing in return, including hospitality and other acts of kindness. But to be hospitable and kind is compatible with the character of Christ, so loving God can only result in leading us to give to others, whether it is "payment" or not.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
"S" is for Silence.
Today the world is loudly present
Look around and see the noise
We try to block it out with laughter
It serves to scare the girls and boys
Seeking quiet, shelter, peace
Seems so easy, unplug yourself
Open up your mind and heart
Listen closely on your knees
"Invite me in," he says again
"Invite me in, I want to speak"
We hear the knockings, grab the handle
Almost turn it, letting him in
But our hesitation is folly
He can only wait so long
When we turn the handle, finally
We look upon an empty stoop
Reduce the sounds, turn them down
Notes and frequencies alike
Shut it off and look away
Allow yourself to feel the might
Look around and see the noise
We try to block it out with laughter
It serves to scare the girls and boys
Seeking quiet, shelter, peace
Seems so easy, unplug yourself
Open up your mind and heart
Listen closely on your knees
"Invite me in," he says again
"Invite me in, I want to speak"
We hear the knockings, grab the handle
Almost turn it, letting him in
But our hesitation is folly
He can only wait so long
When we turn the handle, finally
We look upon an empty stoop
Reduce the sounds, turn them down
Notes and frequencies alike
Shut it off and look away
Allow yourself to feel the might
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Praying for Vision
Hi Mom and Dad,
Sorry I never got a hold of you today. Fridays are always super busy for me because on Friday nights, our Christian fellowship club has meetings and it's my job to get everything organized. I had to meet with a lot of church people to plan things.
Anyway, I have a feeling I know why dad called. Mom warned me that you, dad, would be calling me soon. Dad, I know it's hard for you to understand where I'm at right now. I know it will be even more difficult once I explain exactly where I'm coming from. I don't think I ever truly wanted to be a dentist, to be honest. I had selfish reasons for pursuing dentistry as a career. I knew they made lots of money and that the average dentist today only works 4 days a week. I wanted that lifestyle. I always knew deep down it wasn't for me though, just because I never participated in any pre-dental club activities at UW. I never actively sought opportunities to volunteer in a dental clinic until my senior year, this past year! But I was totally in denial. I kept thinking to myself, that if I just took all the classes required to apply to dental school, I would learn to love it.
Then this past year I finally started volunteering in a dental clinic one day per week. I got to experience firsthand what's it like to be a dentist. I actually volunteered as a dental assistant, working on patients, performing X-rays, checking for cavities, helping the dentist install a filling in a decayed tooth! Although I loved helping the patients, who all happened to be low-income patients coming to this non-profit volunteer-based clinic, it wasn't completely satisfying to me. There were days I would dread coming in to volunteer. It was then that I realized once and for all that I could never spend $160,000 and four more years in school studying to be a dentist. I knew I could never be truly happy as a dentist.
Once I came to that realization, I was so afraid to talk to you and mom about it. I was afraid mostly because I had no backup plan. I didn't even enjoy taking all those science classes required for my Biochemistry and Chemistry double degrees. I was so frightened because I felt I had wasted 4 years of my life majoring in subjects I hated.
I mean, I enjoyed science when I first started college. But you have NO IDEA how difficult it is to succeed in those classes. There are 400 students in one class, and half of them were 4.0 in high school just like me. I was surrounded by overachieving kids who were smarter than I am and who obviously wanted to be a dentist much more than I did. Yet I kept on taking all the pre-dental classes, I kept struggling to keep up, and I kept struggling to get good grades because grades are so important when one applies to dental school. It's just as competitive as medical school. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many hours I studied, my brain just wasn't made for those classes. My grades started slipping and I lost motivation to succeed.
Now that I've had the past few months since graduation to reflect, I know if I could do it all over, I would totally have majored in something else. I would have majored in journalism, perhaps. Or English. Just something that wasn't science. But because my entire college career consisted of studying non-stop for all of those hard science classes, I never had time for my hobbies. I stopped painting. Remember in high school how much I painted? I know mom bought me all this expensive oil paint a few years ago, but I never got around to painting because I always felt school should come first, and so I used all of my free time to study for those darn science classes.
Now that I've graduated, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've forgotten what brings me joy. I can't remember what I used to do for fun.
Since I no longer want to be a dentist, and since I have absolutely no desire to use my science degrees working in a laboratory, I know I have to go to some sort of graduate school in order to get some kind of degree I can and want to use. I know you both have tossed around the idea that I should just do what Roald is doing and get an M.B.A. But I don't want to jump into things. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I jumped into dentistry without thinking it through and without PRAYING about it.
Dad, I know you're not a religious person, so you can't understand what it feels like to connect with God and to feel God leading you. While I was in college, although I attended church each week, I didn't ask God for guidance when it came to my career. I know God created me with special talents for a reason, but I never allowed myself to discover them or to polish those I knew already existed. This past summer though, I've reconnected with God and I can feel Him working in me. I can sense Him leading me to something much more fulfilling than a job such as dentistry. Dentistry might provide financial stability and people might look up to me as a dentist, but it wouldn't allow me to directly make a difference in the world.
And I don't know, maybe I'm just too darn idealistic and I have to just suck it up and understand that the world sucks and is full of problems that aren't my responsibility. But I want to try. I believe we're all capable of making a small difference, and all of those small differences can add up to something totally awesome that can make a dent in the world's problems.
I'm just asking that you remain patient with me.
I know it seems like I'm just being a lazy bum right now, living for free in this condo without contributing to the mortgage. You might be thinking that I just sit on my butt all day and surf the Internet or watch movies. And believe me, I HATE knowing that's what Beverly and Sandy think. And I am more than willing to just pack up my bags and move to an apartment with Bailey or something. I have a few thousand dollars saved up from working at the library. I don't mind moving out and paying for my own rent just so you guys don't have to think of me as a lazy bum, and just so Beverly can stop harassing you.
But I haven't been a bum. TRUST ME. I have applied to so many jobs! I've probably applied to a total of at least 20 jobs over the past month. But most of them are still open and accepting applications, so I won't hear back about getting hired for a while. And I have also become very involved in this Christian fellowship club on campus. Our main goal is to share Christ with others. I'm currently the president of the club and it's my job to get things done. I feel like I'm finally serving people and making a difference in their lives. I've found something that is fulfilling to me.
Mom called me a few days ago and I mentioned that I've thought about going to graduate school to pursue something in Ministry. She wasn't too supportive and I can understand why not. I know I appear fickle and it seems like I change my mind all the time. There are definitely examples of that in my life. I started painting and stopped. But that was because I didn't have time. I got a guitar and never learned to play it. But that's because it's hard to learn to play without a teacher and without the time. I was in school and lacked time, and I didn't want to pay someone to teach me guitar when I knew I didn't have time to practice.
Do you know that over the past couple months, I've picked up the guitar again and have started teaching myself how to play? Right now, mom and dad, there's nothing holding me back. I am not in school so studying doesn't take up all of my time anymore. I no longer have the burden of dentistry on my shoulders.
I hope you can see things from my perspective. Mom, I know you've been praying for me and I am so thankful I have a mother who believes in the power of prayer. Dad, I know you are a patient, understanding father, and I hope you can finally understand why I've been so confused and lacking direction. Please, just give me time. I know God will reveal to me soon what His vision is for my life. I've already got some idea and now I just need to wait and then take action.
I'm thankful for your patience, support, and especially, for your love.
I'll call you soon.
Love,
Steph
Sorry I never got a hold of you today. Fridays are always super busy for me because on Friday nights, our Christian fellowship club has meetings and it's my job to get everything organized. I had to meet with a lot of church people to plan things.
Anyway, I have a feeling I know why dad called. Mom warned me that you, dad, would be calling me soon. Dad, I know it's hard for you to understand where I'm at right now. I know it will be even more difficult once I explain exactly where I'm coming from. I don't think I ever truly wanted to be a dentist, to be honest. I had selfish reasons for pursuing dentistry as a career. I knew they made lots of money and that the average dentist today only works 4 days a week. I wanted that lifestyle. I always knew deep down it wasn't for me though, just because I never participated in any pre-dental club activities at UW. I never actively sought opportunities to volunteer in a dental clinic until my senior year, this past year! But I was totally in denial. I kept thinking to myself, that if I just took all the classes required to apply to dental school, I would learn to love it.
Then this past year I finally started volunteering in a dental clinic one day per week. I got to experience firsthand what's it like to be a dentist. I actually volunteered as a dental assistant, working on patients, performing X-rays, checking for cavities, helping the dentist install a filling in a decayed tooth! Although I loved helping the patients, who all happened to be low-income patients coming to this non-profit volunteer-based clinic, it wasn't completely satisfying to me. There were days I would dread coming in to volunteer. It was then that I realized once and for all that I could never spend $160,000 and four more years in school studying to be a dentist. I knew I could never be truly happy as a dentist.
Once I came to that realization, I was so afraid to talk to you and mom about it. I was afraid mostly because I had no backup plan. I didn't even enjoy taking all those science classes required for my Biochemistry and Chemistry double degrees. I was so frightened because I felt I had wasted 4 years of my life majoring in subjects I hated.
I mean, I enjoyed science when I first started college. But you have NO IDEA how difficult it is to succeed in those classes. There are 400 students in one class, and half of them were 4.0 in high school just like me. I was surrounded by overachieving kids who were smarter than I am and who obviously wanted to be a dentist much more than I did. Yet I kept on taking all the pre-dental classes, I kept struggling to keep up, and I kept struggling to get good grades because grades are so important when one applies to dental school. It's just as competitive as medical school. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many hours I studied, my brain just wasn't made for those classes. My grades started slipping and I lost motivation to succeed.
Now that I've had the past few months since graduation to reflect, I know if I could do it all over, I would totally have majored in something else. I would have majored in journalism, perhaps. Or English. Just something that wasn't science. But because my entire college career consisted of studying non-stop for all of those hard science classes, I never had time for my hobbies. I stopped painting. Remember in high school how much I painted? I know mom bought me all this expensive oil paint a few years ago, but I never got around to painting because I always felt school should come first, and so I used all of my free time to study for those darn science classes.
Now that I've graduated, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've forgotten what brings me joy. I can't remember what I used to do for fun.
Since I no longer want to be a dentist, and since I have absolutely no desire to use my science degrees working in a laboratory, I know I have to go to some sort of graduate school in order to get some kind of degree I can and want to use. I know you both have tossed around the idea that I should just do what Roald is doing and get an M.B.A. But I don't want to jump into things. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I jumped into dentistry without thinking it through and without PRAYING about it.
Dad, I know you're not a religious person, so you can't understand what it feels like to connect with God and to feel God leading you. While I was in college, although I attended church each week, I didn't ask God for guidance when it came to my career. I know God created me with special talents for a reason, but I never allowed myself to discover them or to polish those I knew already existed. This past summer though, I've reconnected with God and I can feel Him working in me. I can sense Him leading me to something much more fulfilling than a job such as dentistry. Dentistry might provide financial stability and people might look up to me as a dentist, but it wouldn't allow me to directly make a difference in the world.
And I don't know, maybe I'm just too darn idealistic and I have to just suck it up and understand that the world sucks and is full of problems that aren't my responsibility. But I want to try. I believe we're all capable of making a small difference, and all of those small differences can add up to something totally awesome that can make a dent in the world's problems.
I'm just asking that you remain patient with me.
I know it seems like I'm just being a lazy bum right now, living for free in this condo without contributing to the mortgage. You might be thinking that I just sit on my butt all day and surf the Internet or watch movies. And believe me, I HATE knowing that's what Beverly and Sandy think. And I am more than willing to just pack up my bags and move to an apartment with Bailey or something. I have a few thousand dollars saved up from working at the library. I don't mind moving out and paying for my own rent just so you guys don't have to think of me as a lazy bum, and just so Beverly can stop harassing you.
But I haven't been a bum. TRUST ME. I have applied to so many jobs! I've probably applied to a total of at least 20 jobs over the past month. But most of them are still open and accepting applications, so I won't hear back about getting hired for a while. And I have also become very involved in this Christian fellowship club on campus. Our main goal is to share Christ with others. I'm currently the president of the club and it's my job to get things done. I feel like I'm finally serving people and making a difference in their lives. I've found something that is fulfilling to me.
Mom called me a few days ago and I mentioned that I've thought about going to graduate school to pursue something in Ministry. She wasn't too supportive and I can understand why not. I know I appear fickle and it seems like I change my mind all the time. There are definitely examples of that in my life. I started painting and stopped. But that was because I didn't have time. I got a guitar and never learned to play it. But that's because it's hard to learn to play without a teacher and without the time. I was in school and lacked time, and I didn't want to pay someone to teach me guitar when I knew I didn't have time to practice.
Do you know that over the past couple months, I've picked up the guitar again and have started teaching myself how to play? Right now, mom and dad, there's nothing holding me back. I am not in school so studying doesn't take up all of my time anymore. I no longer have the burden of dentistry on my shoulders.
I hope you can see things from my perspective. Mom, I know you've been praying for me and I am so thankful I have a mother who believes in the power of prayer. Dad, I know you are a patient, understanding father, and I hope you can finally understand why I've been so confused and lacking direction. Please, just give me time. I know God will reveal to me soon what His vision is for my life. I've already got some idea and now I just need to wait and then take action.
I'm thankful for your patience, support, and especially, for your love.
I'll call you soon.
Love,
Steph
Friday, October 19, 2007
A New Beginning
First post. It's been nearly four years since I started my first online blog. I started a xanga account my freshman year of college and used to update it at least once every couple of days, sometimes multiple times a day. Out of curiosity, I just re-read the first entry from that xanga blog, and the last sentence was,
"Well, I guess I should get some math done, as much as I should really keep the sabbath, but oh well. Like I said previously, I need Jesus but am currently stubborn and not answering His calls. Whatever."
I can't believe how much of a difference four years makes. Or maybe it just took being done with college to turn me around, but my spiritual life is totally not what it was back then. I decided to start a new blog since my life is going through a lot of new beginnings. For the first time in my life, I'm not in school. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want to do. For the first time in my life, I am completely counting on God to lead me. I think that merits a brand new blog, don't you think? I even created a new handle. Every time I signed up for something online during the past few years, I used the handle, "ladysmc."
Stemaca.
That's my new handle. That's my blog handle, my monster.com handle, and my gmail e-mail address handle. It seems more mature. It's ambigious. There's no hint of what gender I am within it. And I'm no longer a young lady, I guess. Most people would call me a woman, even though I still feel like a little girl most of the time.
So another new beginning. This renewed relationship with the Creator. Whew, I just let out a huge sigh.
For the first time in my life, I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my Pastors, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my sisters. Even when I started college and thought I was completely independent, I was a slave to so many things. I was a slave to my obsession with Josh Groban. I was a slave to my obsession with celebrity pop culture and watching the latest film, listening to the latest band. I was a slave to my studies, especially. I was a slave to my professors and to my friends and to my own selfish desires. And even though I thought I knew what I wanted, even though I truly believed I was on the path to success, I was more lost than ever because God's will was totally absent.
I attended church every Sabbath. I prayed regularly before meals, in the mornings, before bed at night, I read devotional books. I didn't drink or do drugs or engage in promiscuous activities. But I didn't have a relationship with God. I didn't allow Him into my life and I didn't let Him guide me and mold me into the person He wanted me to become.
It took a crisis, a complete uncertainty about where my life was headed, to finally succumb.
But better late then never.
I am so thankful that we have such a forgiving and loving Creator who, even after I'd neglected Him for years, has welcomed me back into His heart with a warm embrace.
And so now, even though I still have no clue what to do with my life, even though I have two bachelor's degrees and a minor and yet don't know what jobs to consider, I feel the most content than I've ever felt.
I've let the Lord into my life, I've started conversing with Him. I am actually listening, rather than just asking and complaining and talking. And although it might take time for God's vision for my life to become truly revealed, I've come back to the start, and that's what matters.
"Well, I guess I should get some math done, as much as I should really keep the sabbath, but oh well. Like I said previously, I need Jesus but am currently stubborn and not answering His calls. Whatever."
I can't believe how much of a difference four years makes. Or maybe it just took being done with college to turn me around, but my spiritual life is totally not what it was back then. I decided to start a new blog since my life is going through a lot of new beginnings. For the first time in my life, I'm not in school. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want to do. For the first time in my life, I am completely counting on God to lead me. I think that merits a brand new blog, don't you think? I even created a new handle. Every time I signed up for something online during the past few years, I used the handle, "ladysmc."
Stemaca.
That's my new handle. That's my blog handle, my monster.com handle, and my gmail e-mail address handle. It seems more mature. It's ambigious. There's no hint of what gender I am within it. And I'm no longer a young lady, I guess. Most people would call me a woman, even though I still feel like a little girl most of the time.
So another new beginning. This renewed relationship with the Creator. Whew, I just let out a huge sigh.
For the first time in my life, I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my Pastors, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my sisters. Even when I started college and thought I was completely independent, I was a slave to so many things. I was a slave to my obsession with Josh Groban. I was a slave to my obsession with celebrity pop culture and watching the latest film, listening to the latest band. I was a slave to my studies, especially. I was a slave to my professors and to my friends and to my own selfish desires. And even though I thought I knew what I wanted, even though I truly believed I was on the path to success, I was more lost than ever because God's will was totally absent.
I attended church every Sabbath. I prayed regularly before meals, in the mornings, before bed at night, I read devotional books. I didn't drink or do drugs or engage in promiscuous activities. But I didn't have a relationship with God. I didn't allow Him into my life and I didn't let Him guide me and mold me into the person He wanted me to become.
It took a crisis, a complete uncertainty about where my life was headed, to finally succumb.
But better late then never.
I am so thankful that we have such a forgiving and loving Creator who, even after I'd neglected Him for years, has welcomed me back into His heart with a warm embrace.
And so now, even though I still have no clue what to do with my life, even though I have two bachelor's degrees and a minor and yet don't know what jobs to consider, I feel the most content than I've ever felt.
I've let the Lord into my life, I've started conversing with Him. I am actually listening, rather than just asking and complaining and talking. And although it might take time for God's vision for my life to become truly revealed, I've come back to the start, and that's what matters.
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