A New Beginning

First post. It's been nearly four years since I started my first online blog. I started a xanga account my freshman year of college and used to update it at least once every couple of days, sometimes multiple times a day. Out of curiosity, I just re-read the first entry from that xanga blog, and the last sentence was,

"Well, I guess I should get some math done, as much as I should really keep the sabbath, but oh well. Like I said previously, I need Jesus but am currently stubborn and not answering His calls. Whatever."

I can't believe how much of a difference four years makes. Or maybe it just took being done with college to turn me around, but my spiritual life is totally not what it was back then. I decided to start a new blog since my life is going through a lot of new beginnings. For the first time in my life, I'm not in school. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want to do. For the first time in my life, I am completely counting on God to lead me. I think that merits a brand new blog, don't you think? I even created a new handle. Every time I signed up for something online during the past few years, I used the handle, "ladysmc."

Stemaca.

That's my new handle. That's my blog handle, my monster.com handle, and my gmail e-mail address handle. It seems more mature. It's ambigious. There's no hint of what gender I am within it. And I'm no longer a young lady, I guess. Most people would call me a woman, even though I still feel like a little girl most of the time.

So another new beginning. This renewed relationship with the Creator. Whew, I just let out a huge sigh.

For the first time in my life, I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my Pastors, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my sisters. Even when I started college and thought I was completely independent, I was a slave to so many things. I was a slave to my obsession with Josh Groban. I was a slave to my obsession with celebrity pop culture and watching the latest film, listening to the latest band. I was a slave to my studies, especially. I was a slave to my professors and to my friends and to my own selfish desires. And even though I thought I knew what I wanted, even though I truly believed I was on the path to success, I was more lost than ever because God's will was totally absent.

I attended church every Sabbath. I prayed regularly before meals, in the mornings, before bed at night, I read devotional books. I didn't drink or do drugs or engage in promiscuous activities. But I didn't have a relationship with God. I didn't allow Him into my life and I didn't let Him guide me and mold me into the person He wanted me to become.

It took a crisis, a complete uncertainty about where my life was headed, to finally succumb.

But better late then never.

I am so thankful that we have such a forgiving and loving Creator who, even after I'd neglected Him for years, has welcomed me back into His heart with a warm embrace.

And so now, even though I still have no clue what to do with my life, even though I have two bachelor's degrees and a minor and yet don't know what jobs to consider, I feel the most content than I've ever felt.

I've let the Lord into my life, I've started conversing with Him. I am actually listening, rather than just asking and complaining and talking. And although it might take time for God's vision for my life to become truly revealed, I've come back to the start, and that's what matters.