.:shared secrets:.

Overcome

2010-01-29T22:19:00.001-08:00

One of my friends e-mailed me today asking if I have any regrets or wish I could do something differently if I had the chance. I had a difficult time picking just one thing, but now I am certain I know what I would choose.

I would visit my Uncle Jayme in Brazil before he died.

Refer back to my blog entry from January 14th, 2009, in which I described the passing of two of my uncles, one day apart, if you'd like to know more about Jayme.

I don't know why suddenly I'm overcome with grief. I am literally crying as I type this. It greatly saddens me that I never met this kind man, Jayme Avaiusini, the one living relative from my father's side who indicated an interest in getting to know me, who sent me cards in the mail on my birthday, and even a graduation gift when I finished at UW. All this from a man who didn't even know I existed until I was in college.

It's been over a year since he passed, but I don't think I ever allowed myself to grieve back then.

I'm grieving now.

Writing.

2009-10-10T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly three months since my last update. Why is it I only update this thing when I'm going through something heavy?

Today was an interesting day. Unexpected conflicts. Uncertain resolutions. Some conflicts yet to be resolved.

I've been writing a lot more of my novel. I've sort of started over. I still may use the 100-odd pages I wrote last year, but since I took such a long break this past spring/summer, I find it quite difficult to "get back into my groove."

Whatever I write now seems disconnected from what I wrote then.

I've also altered the opposition slightly such that a rewrite is necessary, anyway.

I've done heaps of research and written more regularly the past month. However, most of what I've written has been exercises from a writing workshop book I bought. I'm trying to write with more continuous conflict and tension, bringing a mix of emotion to every page.

I've concluded that the primary reason it was so difficult continuing the novel was I'd spent so much time outlining, and with such thoroughness, that I'd essentially "written" the darn thing already. I couldn't bring myself to actually write the real deal because I would only be repeating myself, which is no fun. I lost the momentum.

So, with this new and improved opposition in the works, I'm striving to be more spontaneous, less deliberate, and more open to straying from the very basic revised outline I've produced.

Here goes nothing.

Or everything.

Current Situation

2009-07-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

Whoa dang. It's been over two months since my last update. Some friends recently remarked that I never blog anymore, so here are the deets on what's going on.

I came to the conclusion tonight that I must prioritize.

Before when I was working full-time as a Microsoft contractor and also putting in 10-20 hours a week at the tutoring center, I used work as an excuse to put things off. I also used bad traffic, dating, church duties, etc., as excuses.

Some of you know that last fall I started writing a novel. I quit my job last summer to travel and, while abroad, the "idea" sort of fell into my head. I spent all of October-January writing full-time and living off of my savings.

Then I got rehired by the software company around the same time I started tutoring and practically overnight had no time to write. I didn't want to quit tutoring because I also toyed with the idea of getting a Master's in Teaching from UW and wanted the experience.

So I put the novel on hold indefinitely.

I also started dating and going out more.

So in addition to work, boys took a lot of my time.

Nothing was ever too serious; nothing lasted more than a month or two. And deep down, I knew I wasn't ready to commit since my whole life was sort of in transition. I didn't (and still don't) know who I am. Consequently, how in the heck am I supposed to know what to look for in a potential mate?

Most significantly, my spiritual life took a downturn, as well.

Literally the Monday after the weekend of GODencounters back in January, I started working again.

And to be quite honest, planning GODencounters sort of took its toll on my spiritual life. Ironic, right?

One would imagine that putting together such a successful event for God would be beneficial to my relationship with Him. But instead, I got burned out.

Very, very gradually, and without notice on my part, I started spending less and less time with God. And I started to relinquish my church duties onto others, at least where the UW ministry is concerned.

So for the last 6 months, my life has consisted solely of work, tutoring, dating, and socializing.

Hardly any time was allotted to my novel, or to God.

And today one of my good friends outside of church called me on his break and we had a heart-to-heart. He knows that I've been struggling spiritually. He knows about all the guys I've dated the past 6 months. He knows about my novel and how important it is to me that I complete it.

He's younger, just 19, but very wise.

And he put it so simply. He said, "Steph. You need to prioritize."

So that's what I'm trying to do.

Time was scarce because I made time my own.

But time belongs to Him.

I know that if I reconnect with Him and make him the center of my life, that time will be ample once again, and I will, once again, have time to do what's important.

Pray for me.

The Bright Side

2009-05-19T11:10:00.001-07:00

It will help me make the characters more real. Personal experience is always the best inspiration.

Birthday Coincidence

2009-04-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

This past weekend some friends and I visited Vancouver, B.C. We arrived around 8pm Friday night at our couch surfing host just a few minutes from downtown Vancouver. We went to dinner at India Bistro on Davie St. and started chatting.

Dave, our host, was in his 20s. I forgot what subject the conversation was on, but at one point, Dave mentioned that his parents bought their house in 1983. Earlier he had mentioned being born after they bought it, so I said, "Oh, you were born in 1984? What month?"

Dave said, "August."

I continued, "What day?"

He replied, "The 16th."

Immediately I whipped out my wallet to show him my driver's license, which proved to him that my birthday is also August 16, 1984.

CRAZY COINCIDENCE. Considering that Vicki, my twin, was there as well, there were three of us at the table of six sharing the exact same birthday.

I've heard of the "birthday paradox," how statistically, the probability of sharing a birthday with someone in a room of 23 is actually pretty high: 50%. But that's just sharing the same date, not both the date and year. And the reason it's so high is because it's the probability that ANYONE would share a birthday with ANYONE ELSE in the room. It considers that EACH of the 23 people may share a birthday with THE OTHER 22, so that's a lot of different pairs of people being considered. (In a group of 23 people there are 23×22/2 = 253 pairs.)

In this case, I'm only considering myself paired with Dave. I already know that I don't share a birthday with anyone in our travel party other than Vicki, so Dave is the only person the calculation applies to, so just one pair, rather than 253, which drastically limits the odds.

The odds of having the same birthday as anyone are 1/366 (counting the extra day of a leap year). Knowing that Dave was in his 20s, the odds of sharing the same birthyear are 1/10. So the odds of sharing both a birthday and birthyear with any 20-something in the world, randomly, are 1/3660.

Crazy.

Dangerous Driving

2009-04-11T00:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight after I dropped off Vanja and was on my way home, I almost got hit by a car.

Before I get into that, though, let me tell you about my friend.

Last night I had dinner with my friend Drew, who told me about his own scary driving experience recently. This past Monday night around midnight, he was driving home and (an obviously drunk) driver turned out of nowhere onto the street when he didn't have the right of way, crossed the center line, and was driving straight toward him approaching a head-on collision. Drew said it seemed to be happening in slow motion and before he knew it, he was swerving and honking and the guy swerved the other way to correct himself, but not before side-swiping my friend and knocking off his driver-side mirror and driving away in what is essentially a hit-and-run accident.

Two days ago 22 year-old L.A. Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart was killed after a drunk driver ran a red light.

So tonight, I was driving south on 15th Ave W and was just a couple blocks from my turn on Dravus. It was pretty quiet on the roads, no one in front of me. I was replaying my conversation with Drew and thinking about all the crazy drivers out there and, I kid you not, about 2 seconds later I encountered a crazy driver myself.

I glanced a little to my right about a half a block down the road and see a car that is parallel-parked with its lights on. I figure he's waiting for a friend to come out and he's just parked temporarily. Then out of nowhere, he pulls out onto the road without signaling, just as I am a few feet away from him. Immediately I react and swerve to my left into the center turn lane to avoid him, skidding and honking all the while. I was literally less than six inches from his car at one point and, had I not noticed him prior to that, he would have hit me.

I could not believe it.

If I hadn't had the topic of collisions on my mind then perhaps I wouldn't have been as aware of the guy and prepared for him to do something stupid. And then the d-bag proceeded to drive in front of me at 20 mph in a 35 mph zone.

I know I'm not the greatest driver and can scare my passengers sometimes, but never due to something as blatantly stupid as that driver.

WHAT THE EFF.

Concert Calendar

2009-04-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

April 11th: Cage the Elephant, The Gaslight Anthem, and White Lies
April 19th: 100 Monkeys (Vancouver, B.C.)
April 28th: Yann Tiersen
May 2nd: Sam Bradley (Vancouver, B.C.)
May 31st: Relient K
July 11th: Coldplay
October 18th: U2 (Vancouver, B.C.)

MORE TO COME! :-)

Yann Tiersen in Seattle!

2009-03-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

The French composer famous for his soundtrack to the Oscar-winning film Amelie is coming to Seattle on April 28th.

I nearly fell out of my chair at work when I saw the date on Ticketsweb.com.

I immediately purchased a pair of tickets, even though I haven't asked anyone to go with me.

Unfortunately, it's 21+, so some of my young friends can't make it.

This is his first time coming to Seattle. I've waited five years for this day.

Check it:

Who You Were Meant to Be

2009-02-19T16:28:00.000-08:00

"God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be."

I’ve got a gift and it blew me away

2009-02-11T13:49:00.000-08:00

THE GIFT | ANGELS & AIRWAVES

There's the strangest excitement today
If you're awake then you're welcome to hear
I got a gift and it blew me away
From the far eastern sea, straight to here

Oh god, I feel like I'm in for it now
It's like the rush has gone straight to my brain
God my voice is lonely as loud
As I whipser the joy of this pain

And suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all

And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world we know disappear

If you ask i will do what you say
All we have is this night to get though
With the taste of the smile you're only
You left me all up in arms and confused

Oh god, i feel like I'm in for it now
And how this kiss will be one, roughly vague.
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all
And then I'll ask you to do it again and again

And suddenly
You've done it all
You've won me over
In no time at all

And now, I'll stop the storm if it rains
I'll light up a path far from here
I'll make your fear melt away
And the world that we know disappear

Thank you, friend. <3

2009-02-09T12:04:00.001-08:00

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

Structure

2009-02-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

Lately I've kinda been feeling like I've been living life aimlessly. Because I work from home (or, Starbucks, rather, since that's where I usually go to write), my schedule is pretty flexible. I don't have to answer to anyone. I'm not used to living without structure.

Structure has always been what's motivated me. In high school, my life revolved around my school schedule, the next assignment that was due, what TV show was on that night that I knew I wanted to watch.

I don't even watch TV anymore, except for the occasional episode of Gossip Girl that I just stream online, anyway, and which I watch at my own convenience.

I don't even know what date it is anymore. This past Friday was January 30th, but for some reason I thought it was the 31st and so when I signed the key form for the new UW club venue, I dated it wrong. I didn't realize it until the next day when I looked at my phone and saw that Saturday was the 31st.

My life is like one big blur. Every Sabbath, the one day of my week with structure, people always ask me, "How was your week?" And honestly, I don't know how to answer them. I know most of them are just being polite and may not genuinely care to know how my week went, but when I think about the answer, I don't know what to say.

My weeks aren't bad, but they're so full of random events and meetings that I can't recall what I did have the time. I usually answer them, "Oh you know. Same ol', same ol'."

I don't even know what the point of this blog is. I don't know if I dislike the lack of structure my life has, or whether it's freeing.

It's just an observation, I guess.

Feelings

2009-01-26T00:07:00.000-08:00

We all need to honestly consider our actions, all of them, before taking them. I've seen a lot of friends get hurt, both physically and emotionally because of miscommunication, misunderstandings, and sometimes, just lack of information.

Sometimes we hurt our friends inadvertently when it's the last thing we want to do. But if we don't carefully reflect on our actions and how they affect people, the damage can be done before we even know it.

Honesty.

Open communication.

Those are the two key components of healthy relationships, both with friends and significant others.

Sometimes we avoid direct communication in the hopes that troubles will disappear if we just ignore them.

Or we procrastinate and hope it will become easier to confront those troubles as time goes on.

But the longer we wait, the harder it often becomes.

And the more pain is inflicted as a result.

Don't underestimate your friends. You might think they don't know what's going on, but they do.

Do we want to hurt our friends?

I sure hope not.

Times of the Signs

2009-01-21T12:59:00.001-08:00

Please, let Your will be obvious. I need a straight up sign, yo. I need an explicit question before providing an answer.

Does Time Belong to Anyone?

2009-01-20T20:46:00.000-08:00

As a follower of Jesus and someone who loves planning events that help others get to know Him, I've always struggled with dealing with those who are aren't like-minded.

I can't quite define what the name of the struggle would be...I know I should only worry about myself and what I'm doing as an individual to consistently get to know Him and serve Him better, but I always find myself worrying about others.

I'm saddened when I learn that others aren't as motivated or inspired to help in even a fraction of the same capacity. Sometimes this sadness turns into irritation, which is when I know I've crossed the line and let my mind dwell on something it should not.

But when someone says, "[I'll help out] if I have time and feel like it," it's very difficult not to get irritated.

All of our time belongs to God and we shouldn't plan God around our schedules, but should rather be planning our schedules around God.

Passing of Two Uncles

2009-01-14T15:14:00.001-08:00

Over Thanksgiving I learned my dad's half-brother Gary was sick. I didn't see him much growing up and didn't really get to know him until my 16th birthday when he designed the birthday party banner for our celebration with his printing company. Even after that, I only saw him at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the occasional wedding. The last time I saw Gary was August 30th at my cousin's wedding. He had lost weight and looked good, but I had no idea the weight loss was due to something more than a lifestyle change.

He learned a few months ago he had cancer, but at the wedding I was so preoccupied with preparing for the first dance song, at which I was playing guitar, catching up with my cousins, and thinking about my trip to the Philippines and Australia-which I would be leaving for in two days-that I don't even recall saying hello to him. There were 250 people at the wedding and there's many people I didn't say hi to.

I didn't learn Gary was ill until just over a month ago. I heard he was in the hospital over Christmas, but we were told he had a few months to live so I figured I had time to see him. I meant to visit at least once, but yet again, I got caught up hanging with friends and family over the holidays to see him.

I just learned he passed away this morning.

I'm sad, but not terribly so.

My mom just called me to tell me she received an e-mail last night that another of my uncles, Jayme from Brazil, also passed away just yesterday.

Uncle Jayme was my biological father's brother, whom I had never met. I met my real father just once in my life, when I was four, and learned he passed away in October 2005 months later, in May 2006, and that was only because my mom Googled my father's name and found the obituary online.

When I learned my real father passed, I had many mixed feelings. I never knew him and only heard unpleasant things about him from not only my mother, but my half brother and his extended family as well. He was supposedly a selfish womanizer that treated his family poorly, causing his only son, my half brother, to become estranged from him at 18 years old.

I e-mailed my brother when I learned our father died. From him, I made contact with my uncle in Brazil, Jayme. Over the past 2 and a half years, I've been in occasional correspondence with him. In 2006 and 2007, we e-mailed frequently. He even planned to visit us here in the States until his heart condition prevented him. Vicki and I toyed with the idea of visiting him in Brazil, but life happened and so the visit didn't.

It had been a few months since I heard from him until this past October, when I learned he wasn't online as much due to complications with his health. His wife, my aunt, told us we'd better hurry up and visit him before he died.

Too late.

It's odd...I believe I am more sad about Jayme than Gary. I guess it's because I never met him, but he was so kind and even sent us graduation cards and birthday and Christmas gifts in the mail. He was the one living blood relative still alive that really knew my father.

There's always the half-brother, Sam, but he has never indicated an interest in meeting us and I don't particularly care to meet him, either. We've never met and I don't see a reason to.

Then again, if he passed away suddenly, I'm sure I'd be sad as well.

Maybe it's time I actually get to know my biological father's family. One can never have too much family around, right?

Better late than never.

happy 2009

2009-01-10T00:39:00.001-08:00

Whoa dang. It's been over 3 months since I posted, and even then, the last few blogs were just copy/pastes from e-mails I sent whilst traveling.

Shoot, it's 12:41 and I'm way tired. A couple months ago I stayed up until 2 or 3 am easily, now I'm going to bed at 11pm and waking up at 7am (of my own accord), so this is way past my bedtime.

I got caught up catching up on friends' blogs and realized I need to update my own!

Just read a friend's blog about taking risks.

Shoot, I'm in the middle of a huge occupational risk right now...

Not many people know this, though I imagine it'll get around sooner rather than later, but I quit my job so that I can spend the next few months focusing on something I've been keen to do on and off for years. I played with the idea when I was in the Philippines in September, then spent more time thinking about it in Australia, and pretty much the week after I got back I started working on it. It took a couple months to get a handle on it, but before Thanksgiving I was on my way.

But the holidays kept me busy, with traveling home, visiting with old friends, planning GODencounters and preparing for the new year, so it's been a while since I've gotten some consistent, solid work done on it.

Consequently, I've found myself in a funk and have had to remember what I did prior to the funk in order to get a handle on it once again. I'm still not quite where I was at the peak of my productivity, and this has me stressin'.

Another thing is because I quit my job voluntarily, I don't get unemployment benefits and am living off my savings, which will only last so long.

Top it off with all the news about the recession or depression or whatever it is, and I'm getting super antsy. I keep thinking back and wondering if this was simply a risk or extreme folly.

It's a huge, huge risk. And my parents, while supportive, do seem a little disappointed that their 4.0, Valedictorian, double degree-holding former aspiring dentist is now doing THIS.

And all this fear and worry that it's foolish only hinders my productivity.

I am scared.

For reeeeeaaaaalz.

But I'm already in it this far and I can't stop now. I've gotta do it and push for it and remember that THIS IS MY FULL TIME JOB NOW and until the job's done, I can't relax.

I don't understand how I could survive the stress and freakin' crazy hard work of majoring in Biochemistry, Chemistry, and Art History, take two 4 hour science lab courses that met on the SAME day back-to-back, be involved in church and Thriller dancing and maintain a social life, etc., etc.

I was disciplined. I didn't sleep. I lived each day constantly thinking about the next lab report, exam, experiment, paper, etc.

Now I have just this one thing to work on and it's difficult.

Why can't the fact I'm blowing my savings be motivation enough? It should be even more motivating than wanting a good grade. This is my LIFE. It's my MONEY going down the drain.

I need to get on the ball.

Just do it, Steph.

SYDNEY!

2008-09-29T01:39:00.001-07:00

Hello again,

It's been a while since my last travel update so I figure it's time for another one, especially since tomorrow is my last full day in Oz and you probably won't get another one. :-)

I left Jess' sheep farm last Tuesday and arrived in Sydney on Wednesday morning (the 24th) after 8 hours on the bus, an hour stopover at 11PM, and another 8 hours on the train. It was crazy long and not very comfortable so I didn't get much sleep and so I hit the hay as soon as I arrived at my next host's house.

I've been staying with an Adventist family here, the Gilmores, that my old pastor Matthew Gamble hooked me up with. They are so amazing! I have my own room, my own key, and they've been feeding me every meal and even insisting on paying for some of my excursions. Irene, the mom of the house, is wonderful and has been telling me some incredible stories about her life and I have learned so much about "life" since I've been here.

I've also met a lot of cool people just traveling about on my own. Last week I did the tourist thing and went around the Sydney city center. I saw the famous Opera House, the Harbor Bridge, I took a ferry across the harbor to Manly Beach and saw people playing volleyball and surfing. I took a city tour around to all the other famous sites, I went up to the top of Sydney Tower (their version of the Space Needle), went on OzTrek, which is a virtual ride across Australia. Then on Friday night I went with all the Parramatta Adventist Church young adults to Canberra, Australia's capital city. One of the guys is a coach bus driver and so we got to ride in a comfy bus for the 3 hour trip. We slept in the church that night and the next day, Sabbath, we put on the entire service. I even preached for the first time and pray that the people there heard what God wanted them to hear. Then we went to a flower show in Canberra, followed by a quick tour of the city and a stop at the ANZAC Memorial. Sunday morning I went to airport to meet up with Matthew Gamble and Jesse Ferguson, who were flying out that day. It was so good to catch up with Matthew and also to see J-Ferg again. Sunday night I went to the famous Hillsong Church for their nightly service and the Christian rock band, Hillsong United, happened to be leading worship that night and they introduced some new songs, which were amazing!

Today I went to the #1 attraction (or so I'm told), the Sydney Aquarium, with the underground glass tunnels where sharks and manta rays swim overhead. After that I went to the Wildlife Park where I got to see koalas and kangaroos and wombats and wallabies, and every other Australian native animal you can think of. (By the way, last week on the sheep farm I actually saw two wild kangaroos hopping across the road!) It was cool because standing in line I heard an American accent and these two girls were behind me. It turns out they are both students at Hillsong College studying ministry and so we got to talking and spent the entire duration of our visit at the Wildlife Park together and hanging out. When I got home Irene drove me to the site of the 2000 Sydney Olympics and tonight we're going out to dinner at some Chinese restaurant.

So I pretty much have done all I ever thought of doing in Australia. I even saw the new movie "Eagle Eye" a day early and for free because my host's son is a manager at the local cinema. :-)

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with some of the Parramatta Church young adults for a last goodbye dinner thing, then on Wednesday I'm on my way home, including 4 stopovers (Manila, Seoul, San Francisco, then Seattle), which will be insane.

I miss you all and can't wait to be back home, as amazing as this experience as been.

I'll see you all soon.

With love and prayers,

Steph

Hello from Walpeup!

2008-09-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2008

Hey all,

Right now I am on my friend Jess' family's sheep farm about 6 hours northwest of Melbourne and 16 hours west of Sydney. It's in the middle of nowhere and her town, Walpeup, only has about 100 residents! I have been working on the farm with her family, which is amazing. It's lambing season and all the sheep are about ready to give birth. Some came early and are so adorable! I have some photos of myself holding little lambs. So cute!

It's amazing here and Jess says there are wild kangaroo around here and I should see on soon. There are also wild emus and the dirt is all very golden brown here. It's definitely The Bush!

I spent the past week in Melbourne doing the tourist thing and stayed with three awesome girls studying at the University of Melbourne. They live in a massive three-story townhouse and it was very nice living with them. They even gave me my own key so I could come and go as I pleased. Don't forget I was a stranger to these girls, as we only met on couchsurfing.com previously.

On Tuesday I'm off to Sydney, followed by Canberra, where I will speak on World Peace at an Adventist youth service there. Then I return to Sydney to talk about the Philippines mission trip and do some sightseeing.

I can't wait to get home where I can upload some photos and show you all what I've been up to.

I miss you all and will be back soon.

Love,

Steph

More from Melb!

2008-09-17T20:34:00.001-07:00

Hello again!

Today is my third day in Melbourne and I am having a blast! I spent the first day wandering and exploring by myself. That night I moved to another couchsurfing house and it has been amazing fun. There are three girls, all students at the prestigious University of Melbourne, and they live in a huge and fancy townhouse near the city center. Three stories with a rooftop terrace/balcony! They gave me my own key so I can come and go as I please as well. They are very loud and fun and remind me a lot of my time in college.

Yesterday was lovely and warm. In the morning my friend Nita (who stayed with us in Seattle with her sister Rena) met me at the house and we took a tram to the city and hung out all day. We went to Luna Park for picture (a popular theme park/carnival), followed by St. Kilda beach, where she treated me to a piece of delicious chocolate hazelnut cake. Then we went to the National Gallery of Victora. a free international art gallery with many famous paintings I recognized from my Art History studies. There was even a famous self portrait of Rembrandt that I studied intensively my first year at UW. I asked a guard if I could take a photo with it, and I was able to snap a few pictures. Then we hung around the city some more, stopped at the University of Melbourne where I got a photo standing outside the Chemistry Building (because I'm cool like that), then we watched the season 2 premiere of Gossip Girl (gotta catch up still!), then had dinner on Lygon Street which is known as "Little Italy." All the restaurant owners stand outside and try to entice you to eat there and often offer free stuff. One place offered us free wine but Nita and Rena thought that wasn't good enough, so they gave us each free dessert as well!

Then we went back to the house and the French boys had arrived. They were cooking dinner and so I had two dinners last night. They are hilarious and great fun and it's hard to believe if they are telling the truth half the time! They kept messing with us. We stayed up until 1AM talking and playing games and dancing around the kitchen.

Today I am seeing whatever I missed in the city that I wanted to see. Tonight we are all going to a Mexican Independence day party with one of the girls' friends.

Then tomorrow I'm off to Walpeup and the sheep farm!

Everyone is amazingly kind and laid back and it reminds me a lot of Seattle here. Today is chilly and very blustery. I am wearing a scarf!

Anyway, hope you all are well.

Miss you and lots of love,

Steph

UPDATE FROM AUSTRALIA!

2008-09-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

BELOW are the updates I've sent my friends via e-mail. In case I don't have your e-mail address or simply forgot to include you on my list, you can read about what I've been up to here:

=====
SEPTEMBER 5TH, 2008

Hey everyone,

I am in a cybercafe in a mall in Tarlac City in the Philippines. It is 15 hours ahead here and so right now it is just after 2pm Friday. We arrived around midnight Tuesday night and have spent the past few days working and sweating our butts off!

I talked to Vicki briefly on the phone and told her already, but I seriously have never sweat so much in my life. It is disgusting yet strangely refreshing. I soaked through my entire outfit while working the first day, including a jacket I was wearing! I didn't even feel that soaked but Brenda got photos to prove it. :-)

The nightly meetings started on Wednesday and continue through next week. Brenda, Rodney, and I are even singing a couple songs for special music tonight, including an entire song in Tagalog that two of the church members taught us this morning. Let's pray it goes well!

We're getting fed so well. Rodney's family cooks amazing food and we've been getting all of our food groups. For lunch today we even had rambutan, which is tropical fruit related to lychee. Rambutan means "the hairy thing" in Indonesian. Google it and you'll see why. :-)

Everyone here is so warm and friendly, even though I can't communicate verbally with most of them. Rodney's family lives in a rural town outside the city and are one of the more wealthy families. Everyone else lives in shacks, literally, with thatched roofs, bamboo walls, and dirt floors. There are goats and cows, chickens and wild dogs roaming around everywhere. There is green everywhere: hills and rice and fields as far as the eye can see.

Just wanted to give you all a brief update. I barely had to adjust to the time difference and have been sleeping amazingly well, getting up at 6am without an alarm clock and sleeping through the night without waking up at all. I'll be here until September 15th, then I'm off to Melbourne!

Hope you all are doing well. Please keep the group in your prayers.

Thanks and hopefully I'll write again soon.

Love,

Steph

=====

SEPTEMBER 16TH, 2008

Hello everyone!

I don't think I remembered to e-mail all of you my first overseas update from the Philippines, but hopefully I didn't miss anyone this time around. It is just past midnight here in Australia and my couchsurfing host is asleep. I'm typing on her laptop in the dark in the room next to hers because the light in my room would wake her if on. I fear my typing will wake her as well! She is very sweet, talkative, and went 30 mins out of her way to pick me up from the airport even though we had never met before. She owns a flower shop and must get up at 4:30am to buy flowers from the market. She has a cute albino bunny named Polly Jean. It's amazing how kind and giving people can be to complete strangers. That takes a lot of trust.

I left Manila Monday morning, flew 8 hours to Sydney, then another couple hours to Melbourne. I sat next to lady on first plane who was in the Philippines for her mother's funeral. I could tell something was on her mind and soon we got to talking and I think it really helped her to have someone willing to listen to her story. We exchanged contact information and I hope to keep in touch.

The Philippines mission trip was amazing! This last Sabbath we had 37 baptisms, a result of the 10-day evangelistic series held at the new church we built. The people there are all so hospitable and generous and seem content for the most part, even though they have so little. One of the pastors involved with the series has a 7-month old daughter that he can't even afford to buy milk for. His wife, a teacher, had to borrow money from the school she works at. And this was a pastor who is paid by the local conference. I can't even begin to imagine how much less others without steady work must have. It was such a humbling experience and all the villagers were so thrilled that we Americans could visit and help out where we could.

Please continue to pray for the new Adventist church at San Jose de Valdez, Tarlac, Philippines. With the evangelistic series over, there is a risk that the congregation might be negatively affected by the transition. There are many decisions that must still be made there.

Tomorrow I will start sight-seeing in Melbourne then meetup with a couple French boys staying at the same couchsurfing host I am. Then Friday I'm off to Walpeup in the middle of nowhere to help out on my friend's family's sheep farm. Next week I'm off to Sydney, followed by Canberra, where I will speak at an Adventist youth meeting.

I'll write more soon.

With love and prayers,

Steph

=====
SEPTEMBER 16TH, 2008

Yo!

This couch surfing thing is great! The lady who picked me up is about 30 and I am the first person she has hosted. She bought me coffee this morning and walked me to the train station that took me to the downtown/city center. I've been exploring on my own all day and came across an Indonesian restaurant in Chinatown that I ate at for lunch. I had rendang (spelling?). :-) I saw a young guy drinking bubble tea and asked where he got it and he was kind enough to walk me there so I could get some myself.

There are tons of tourists here! It reminds me of Seattle, too. This morning was sunny but a bit chilly. It is early spring here and everyone is wearing jackets, boots, and scarves. I feel right at home!

I'm at the Victoria State Library using their free Internet access at the moment. I've been taking lots of pictures of interesting words or things that remind me of home. I found the word Bellevue on a store sign and snapped a picture of it, also the word Redmond on a statue plaque. I took a pic of the library because it says Victoria all big and engraved.

Tonight my current host will drop me off a few miles from her house to another pair of couchsurfing hosts, two 22-year old college students who are also hosting two French boys. It will be fun because tomorrow I can sightsee with the French boys since we are all tourists. Then I'm having dinner tomorrow night with those two sisters who stayed with us in Seattle.

I was also asked to give a mini-sermon on Christian and World Peace when I go to Canberra next week with the Sydney Adventist church. It seems like I've come full-circle, since that essay on world peace is what won me the trip to England, which is where I met that Australian girl, which is partly why I'm here now to visit her. I will also speak about my mission trip. I am very excited.

Oh yeah, in the Philippines, we sang a lot of special music songs. Brenda, Rodney, and I were asked almost every evening to perform as a trip before the evangelistic meetings. One of the pastors started humming You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban one night, which I told him was my favorite song and so he asked me to sing it by myself before the sermon on the final night of the meeting. Brenda played piano and Rodney video recorded it. I wasn't nervous at all (praise God!) but I messed up a little on the lyrics of the second verse (since Josh doesn't sing that verse and so I had to learn it just that day), but no one noticed and everyone loved it. Apparently Josh Groban is very popular in the Philippines (and Asia in general) and many of them sang along with me. It was fantastic. Josh Groban was even playing in the Indonesian restaurant I had lunch in today! :-)

Vicki and Mel will enjoy the following information: Last night when I was waiting to transfer from Sydney to Melbourne at the airport, I saw a guy reading a thick novel. I have a habit of reading titles of people's books and initially thought it was Harry Potter, but it was the first Twilight book! Haha, he was this chubby Asian guy and he was so engrossed in the book that he dropped his carry on luggage. hehehe. I was amused. :D

Anyway, I should wrap this up and continue exploring the city.

I don't know what kind of telephone access I'll have here since my hosts may not have International calling on their cell phones. But at least I can check e-mail more often here.

Much, much love,

Steph

Must Have Done Something Right

2008-07-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

I have heard this song so many times, but each time I hear it, I can't help but think how amazingly cool and fun it would be to sing this at my wedding with my future husband, a little duet with actual jerseys and everything. :D

RELIENT K | Must Have Done something Right

We should get jerseys ‘cause we make a good team
But yours would look better than mine, ‘cause you're out of my league
And I know that it's so cliché to tell you that everyday
I spend with you is the new best day of my life
Everyone watching us just turns away with disgust
It's Jealously, they can see that we've got it going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
You’re ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I got to say is I must have done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I got to say is I must have done something right
I must have done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky ‘cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me
And I know that it's so cliché to talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
You’re ok with the way this is going to be
’Cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I got to say is I must have done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I got to say is I must have done something right
I must have done something right

Be consistent.

2008-07-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

My friend Nick shared something with me recently, a revelation he sort of came to. It's such a simple yet profound truth:

"If we want a consistent walk with God, we have to be consistent."

It's so true. We often think that maintaining a close relationship with Jesus is difficult and complicated. But all it takes is consistency, a regular habit of spending time with Him. Each time we skip a day or forget to talk to Him or read His word, that puts us *that* much farther from Him. He is always there, always close, but we've got to do our part to recognize His presence and to stay close to Him ourselves. If we put off one day of personal devotion, then it makes it only easier to put off a second day and a third day, etc. Before we know it, we don't even remember what it felt like to be walking hand in hand with Him, and the *desire* to know Him is decreased so we don't even realize how far away we are from Him. It's a dangerous slippery slope and Satan wants us to slip and fall, but only God can keep us standing.

Listening to God.

2008-07-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I met a guy on the street today that I am certain God led me to.

I was waiting on the street corner to meet a friend for dinner and there was a guy playing an old beat-up guitar and I kept feeling impressed to talk to him. But I kept telling myself, "Well, my friend will be here any minute. I don't have time to talk to him now." Then my friend called me and said she was running late and wouldn't be there for 5-10 minutes. I took that as an obvious sign that God really did want me to talk to this dude. So I went up to him and asked what song he was playing. He said it was called, "Satan Lies to the World." I asked if he was a Christian and he said he was, and then I noticed he was wearing a cross necklace. So I said, "Hey, me too." And he said he had noticed because I was holding my Bible. I asked what church he went to and where he lived and all that and I told him about 24-Seven, and he was like, "Seventh-day Adventist, huh? So you go to church on Saturday." I asked what he knew about Adventists and he said he had been reading The National Sunday Law, which he found at a bus stop. Crazy!

I was amazed that this random guy I approached wasn't only a Christian, but that he was also exploring the Sabbath. So we exchanged e-mail addresses and I hope to hear from him soon. I wish I told him where 24-Seven meets and when we have services, but it didn't cross my mind. He said he used to be homeless for 2.5 years (he was a young guy too, like early 20s) and I'm worried he doesn't have regular Internet access.

But I pray and trust that God will finish what He started.

Coincidence? I think not.

2008-07-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

I own a blue, light-tension Gripmaster, purchased from Amazon.com 2 years ago to strengthen my fingers and also to build callouses for guitar-playing. (I bought these extra callous-builder things that clip onto the Gripmaster.)

So just now I'm sitting at work and glance down at my desk at the Gripmaster, reminded that I should use it during the day when my hands are free.

And then I glance at my computer screen at the next item I have to categorize for Amazon.com Marketplace and what do I see?

Yep. You guessed it.

"Gripmaster Hand Exerciser, Light Tension."

CRAAAZY.

Passion

2008-07-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

Just got a voice message from my old high school youth leader. I saw her at camp meeting a couple weeks ago and she asked what I was up to, to which I replied I was no longer pursuing dentistry. She told me that for the past 5 years since I left for college, she's continued to pray for me and my decisions. I informed her that currently, I am uncertain about where God wants me.

In the voice message she said that this morning, she came across an old paper I had written on from back then, when we played the "honesty game." One question asked us what our greatest fear is.

She reminded me that I had answered, "My greatest fear is to live my earthly life doing something I am not passionate about."

Now I just need to determine what I am passionate about.

I'm a loser.

2008-06-22T23:28:00.001-07:00

I have a horrible habit of losing things. Most of the time it's just my cell phone, which I've carelessly set down and which a friend must call in order for me to hear it and determine its location. Other times it's my keys, which happened a lot while I was living in the dorm at UW and which resulted in my holding the record for highest number of lockouts.

In January I lost my capo and, needing it to play a song i was learning on the guitar, I purchased a new capo. Then a couple months later I found it under my couch, which I swore I had checked numerous times.

In February it was my compact Bible, which I had only purchased in November and which, after a month of searching and calling various Lost & Found offices, I became certain it was left on the bus and some lucky individual had discovered it and been changed by it. I bought an identical replacement about a month ago.

In March I shelled out $100 to my condo manager for a spare building key to give my parents. I had taken off my own key from my key ring so that I could closely examine and compare the cuts. Then 15 minutes later as I was leaving my place, I couldn't find my key and so I used the new key for the time being, fully expecting to find my own key that night upon my return.

Then today, after moving my spare couch in the hopes of finding the key in the same way I found the capo, I found the Bible, but I have yet to locate the key.

Change the lives of others. Change yours.

2008-05-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Like others have already done, I want to encourage everyone to help out however they're able with disaster relief. China has been on our minds because it's the most recent natural disaster to hit the news, with estimated death tolls nearing 20,000 and 70,000 injured. Last week the Myanmar cyclone killed 30,000 and there are 30,000+ still missing. There are also thousands killed or displaced by the tornadoes that have ravaged the southern United States. These are events from just the past couple weeks. Don't forget about Katrina in 2005 or the December 2004 tsunami that killed 230,000 in a dozen countries.

Every time we hear about another natural disaster most of us get a little sad, we might say a quick prayer or two for the victims, but do we actually help?

Why is it that we have no problem dropping 5 bucks on Starbucks or Jamba Juice but we can't donate a few dollars to an aid organization? We care more about the latest episode of Gossip Girl or American Idol than we do about those who don't have shelter, food, access to a bathroom, or even water.

What if your mother died in a natural disaster? What about your husband or girlfriend or child? Or even just a friend or acquaintance or teacher? Would you not feel sadness and a desire to make a difference? Those who died in Myanmar and China were people. They were fathers and grandmothers and babies not yet born. They were brothers and sisters and boyfriends and pets. They were like us.

Entire families have been killed by the recent spurt of natural disasters, yet we are so far-removed in our cozy little homes with our iPods and MySpace and everything else that we've reduced our ability to care and feel compassion.

I am guilty of this myself.

If you don't believe in the power of prayer, then don't pray with me. But at least do some research in ways you can help.

As for me, I'm going to continue to pray that God will allow goodness to come from the destruction. We don't know when we're going to leave this earth. We are not freaking invincible. We are foolish if we believe we're going to live to 75 years old and die of natural causes.

Make the most of today. Make the most of your time with others. Live with a sense of urgency and please strive to change lives, including your own.

Steph

"Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless. Give clothes to those who need them, and do not hide from relatives who need your help." (Isaiah 58:7 NLT)

update

2008-05-14T00:21:00.001-07:00

this is a new blog. there ya go, brucie. :D

steph

2008-05-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus. I've been struggling to apply that to my life. He should be the first thing on our minds when we wake up, before we even think about getting out of bed, using the bathroom, whatever. It's a simple, beautiful reminder of Him. He's giving Himself to us, but we have to want Him, we must accept Him.

everything

2008-02-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

This is an old song that I first heard a couple years ago when I was dating an atheist. He was a huge Lifehouse fan and got me more into their music. One day we were talking about love songs and he said he couldn't stand this particular song because it was one of the "cheesiest" songs he'd ever heard.

Back then my relationship with the Creator wasn't the greatest and I didn't immediately realize that this song might not even be about a significant other, but might instead be about God. The ex-boyfriend's opinion of the song tainted my own and I tended to skip it whenever it played on my iPod.

It seems so obvious now that it's about God. It is no wonder the ex couldn't understand it. If the lyrics are applied to a signicant other, then yes, one may say it's a bit much (but still very sweet). If applied to God, however, the lyrics aren't even an adequate description of His power.

The love of a significant other could never compare to the love of God.

EVERYTHING by Lifehouse

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

You calm the storms
And You give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in
Would You take me deeper, now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You
Would You tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything

reunion

2008-01-31T23:52:00.001-08:00

Sitting on the floor there
Shivering from the cold air
My thoughts wander everywhere

Peace and hope that is not borrowed
Remind me of endless tomorrows
My burdens you willingly bear

Through the open window there
I let in more of the cold air
But now the shivering is spared

Thoughts turn toward your pain
Through your death we may obtain
Love that is for all to share

I close the shutters over there
Refuse to let in the cold air
And then my heart I do prepare

Ears are deaf and eyes shut tight
Now it is time to reunite
As my thoughts turn into prayer

spring

2008-01-29T10:53:00.000-08:00

In the spring I like to walk outside through the avenues lined with cherry blossoms. Sunglasses shield my sight from the brightness, but also mute the colors of the blossoms. Magenta becomes pale pink. Pink transforms into white. I hear voices, faded and incomprehensible, I see children running to and fro. But I cannot hear them, for in my head is a personal soundtrack of wonderful melodies that has increased in intensity. I glance around me at the silence, at the energy, but only hear the crescendos of my heart.

music

2008-01-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

you are rich dynamism
colorful and funky
and full of exquisite music
multifaceted resonance

my ears ache with joy
even the deaf can hear you
please keep playing
softly, loudly, loudly

i want to share you
love encompasses sharing
but i am human and flawed
it is difficult to share
especially something this grand

Rain.

2007-12-19T23:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight after work while running errands, I stopped at one of the UW libraries to drop off books for a friend. It was almost 9:00pm, dark, cold, and raining. I chose not to bring an umbrella because I didn't think it would rain that heavily.

As I approached the book drop, I noticed how dead it was on campus. The library was closed and there was not a single person that I could see. As I turned away from the book drop, it started to rain hard. My glasses were covered in water droplets so I took them off because I could see better without them. I was standing under a dimly lit lamp post, about to turn away, when suddenly the opening notes to "Grace Like Rain" sounded from my ipod earphones.

I don't believe in coincidences.

So I stood there, alone, wearing only a thin sweatshirt and getting more drenched by the second, vision blurred and icy cold. And I decided to carefully listen to the words of the song. I'd heard it dozens of times, sang along to it in church, had the lyrics memorized. But it wasn't until that moment that I thought about what rain means to me. At that moment, rain meant more than just a weather phenomenon that forced me to use an umbrella. It meant more than one of Seattle's quirky trademarks. It wasn't just precipitation or the results of condensed water vapor from the atmosphere being stored up in the clouds and waiting to wash away the residue in the streets.

I thought about how truly cleansing it is, how in the lyrics of "Grace Like Rain," rain is equivalent to the grace of God. It is His forgiveness of us, even when we don't deserve it, it is His free gift of salvation, the sacrifice He made for us, it is His unconditional love of all of humanity, it is grace. And as I stood in the rain, feeling the drops fall onto my head, my face, my shoulders, my body, I understood.

The Cure for Pain

2007-12-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

I just found out that a guy I went to high school with, Klinton Boylan, was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, neuro-endocrine carcinoid cancer, in January 2007. In less than a year it has spread to his liver, bone marrow, lymph nodes, pelvis, spinal cord, everywhere. Last week it got really bad and after tests the doctors have estimated he only has a few more days to live.

I wish I had learned about it sooner so I could have prayed for him and his family. I hadn't even thought about him in ages but Vicki decided to look him up on MySpace randomly and that's how we found out about his condition.

He is only 23 years old with a wife and two beautiful children. I can't even begin to fathom the amount of pain, both physical and emotional, that they are in.

I am crying as I type this.

Lately I've been obsessed with the new Jon Foreman album, particularly the song, "The Cure for Pain." The lyrics are so fitting. Thank God Klinton and his family know and love the Lord. Reading about their ordeal in their blogs reveals how much faith and trust in our Savior they have had and continue to have.

The following is a blog that Klinton posted recently. It's so amazing that even in the midst of his pain and knowledge that he has just a few moments left on this earth, that he is using the little time he has left to glorify God. Read on:

"Oh for Grace

I know it sounds odd, but I have been blessed by having cancer. Yes I hate being sick and knowing that my wife, kids, family, and freinds have to watch me be in pain all the time. But I believe that God has blessed me with a better understanding of just how important life is and to truly know who holds each and every one of our lives in His hands. It is God and God alone who has the right and ability to condem or save. He has givin us this short time on earth to either love Him and bring Him glory, or deny Him and walk ourselves right into an eternity of darkness and pain. (hell that is) To all who don't know God and have denied His existance, now is the time to truly ask yourselves, "Where am I going and why?" We are not judged solely on sin, we all are guilty of that, but we are judged on wether or not we believe that Jesus is who He says He is and wether or not we are willing to repent and turn from our sins and walk His way, or deny Him His rightful place in our hearts and remain dead and ultimately hell bound.

Life in so uncertain. I never thought that I would have cancer and have to life my life this way. Nobody knows when or where or how they will die but we all will die one day and if we don't address what happens when we do die, we will be condeming ourselves already. Don't waste your lives on purposeless thing. Choose life whom is Christ before it's too late and that choice is taken away from you forever. I love you all and hope that we will all be together in the end. Please concider these things I have said. There's nothing more important than eternity.

sincerely, Klinton"
...

Please pray for them with me.

THE CURE FOR PAIN
Jon Foreman

I'm not sure why it always flows downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows... heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! to suffer like you do...
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns
I've spent 10 years trying to sing it all away
but the water keeps on falling from my tries

2 Timothy 4:6-8
For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the Righteous Judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love His appearing.

And I can't even whistle...

2007-12-04T23:39:00.000-08:00

Kindness=LOVE=Free

2007-11-27T23:10:00.001-08:00

The Sunday before Thanksgiving, my cousin Casey and her boyfriend Dan came by to pick Vicki and me up to go to my aunt's annual Thanksgiving dinner at her country club. It's pretty much 30 members of my family from my dad's side, seated at one long table eating Thanksgiving-style food, buffet style. It's pretty awesome, especially since it's pretty much the only time I get to see some of the extended family.

They came upstairs to see our apartment and chat for a few minutes before we headed out. It was discovered that Dan is big on bicycling and has done the STP (Seattle to Portland Bicycle Classic) a couple times, which leaves from Husky Stadium. This past summer the night before STP, which starts at 4:30AM on day 1, Casey and Dan slept in their car in the parking lot of Husky Stadium. We suggested that next year, they stay at our place.

What shocked me is they offered to sleep on the freakin' patio. They were joking, but deep down they probably said it because they don't want to impose on our hospitality.

I know it's not uncommon for people to make offhand comments like that, but I've never actually thought about the motivations behind them.

Why is it most people today can't accept kindness with thinking they have to offer something in return? I'm totally guilty of this myself. I feel bad if someone does me a favor and I immediately feel the need to pay it back.

If we truly have the character of Christ in us, we should be willing to serve others without expecting anything in return. We would be willing to give a friend a place to stay without feeling used or taken advantage of.

I know there's a fine line here, though. It's not black and white and many of us simply want to show our thanks by paying the favor back. But if the sole motivation is to "even the scales" or some fear of being judged as a moocher or whatever, then that's not cool. The fear only implies the belief that the person bestowing the act of kindness must not be giving with a true heart which, essentially, reveals judgment.

It shouldn't be that way.

Let's humble ourselves before God and remember that we deserve nothing in return, including hospitality and other acts of kindness. But to be hospitable and kind is compatible with the character of Christ, so loving God can only result in leading us to give to others, whether it is "payment" or not.

"S" is for Silence.

2007-11-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

Today the world is loudly present
Look around and see the noise
We try to block it out with laughter
It serves to scare the girls and boys

Seeking quiet, shelter, peace
Seems so easy, unplug yourself
Open up your mind and heart
Listen closely on your knees

"Invite me in," he says again
"Invite me in, I want to speak"
We hear the knockings, grab the handle
Almost turn it, letting him in

But our hesitation is folly
He can only wait so long
When we turn the handle, finally
We look upon an empty stoop

Reduce the sounds, turn them down
Notes and frequencies alike
Shut it off and look away
Allow yourself to feel the might

Praying for Vision

2007-10-27T01:30:00.001-07:00

Hi Mom and Dad,

Sorry I never got a hold of you today. Fridays are always super busy for me because on Friday nights, our Christian fellowship club has meetings and it's my job to get everything organized. I had to meet with a lot of church people to plan things.

Anyway, I have a feeling I know why dad called. Mom warned me that you, dad, would be calling me soon. Dad, I know it's hard for you to understand where I'm at right now. I know it will be even more difficult once I explain exactly where I'm coming from. I don't think I ever truly wanted to be a dentist, to be honest. I had selfish reasons for pursuing dentistry as a career. I knew they made lots of money and that the average dentist today only works 4 days a week. I wanted that lifestyle. I always knew deep down it wasn't for me though, just because I never participated in any pre-dental club activities at UW. I never actively sought opportunities to volunteer in a dental clinic until my senior year, this past year! But I was totally in denial. I kept thinking to myself, that if I just took all the classes required to apply to dental school, I would learn to love it.

Then this past year I finally started volunteering in a dental clinic one day per week. I got to experience firsthand what's it like to be a dentist. I actually volunteered as a dental assistant, working on patients, performing X-rays, checking for cavities, helping the dentist install a filling in a decayed tooth! Although I loved helping the patients, who all happened to be low-income patients coming to this non-profit volunteer-based clinic, it wasn't completely satisfying to me. There were days I would dread coming in to volunteer. It was then that I realized once and for all that I could never spend $160,000 and four more years in school studying to be a dentist. I knew I could never be truly happy as a dentist.

Once I came to that realization, I was so afraid to talk to you and mom about it. I was afraid mostly because I had no backup plan. I didn't even enjoy taking all those science classes required for my Biochemistry and Chemistry double degrees. I was so frightened because I felt I had wasted 4 years of my life majoring in subjects I hated.

I mean, I enjoyed science when I first started college. But you have NO IDEA how difficult it is to succeed in those classes. There are 400 students in one class, and half of them were 4.0 in high school just like me. I was surrounded by overachieving kids who were smarter than I am and who obviously wanted to be a dentist much more than I did. Yet I kept on taking all the pre-dental classes, I kept struggling to keep up, and I kept struggling to get good grades because grades are so important when one applies to dental school. It's just as competitive as medical school. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many hours I studied, my brain just wasn't made for those classes. My grades started slipping and I lost motivation to succeed.

Now that I've had the past few months since graduation to reflect, I know if I could do it all over, I would totally have majored in something else. I would have majored in journalism, perhaps. Or English. Just something that wasn't science. But because my entire college career consisted of studying non-stop for all of those hard science classes, I never had time for my hobbies. I stopped painting. Remember in high school how much I painted? I know mom bought me all this expensive oil paint a few years ago, but I never got around to painting because I always felt school should come first, and so I used all of my free time to study for those darn science classes.

Now that I've graduated, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I've forgotten what brings me joy. I can't remember what I used to do for fun.

Since I no longer want to be a dentist, and since I have absolutely no desire to use my science degrees working in a laboratory, I know I have to go to some sort of graduate school in order to get some kind of degree I can and want to use. I know you both have tossed around the idea that I should just do what Roald is doing and get an M.B.A. But I don't want to jump into things. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. I jumped into dentistry without thinking it through and without PRAYING about it.

Dad, I know you're not a religious person, so you can't understand what it feels like to connect with God and to feel God leading you. While I was in college, although I attended church each week, I didn't ask God for guidance when it came to my career. I know God created me with special talents for a reason, but I never allowed myself to discover them or to polish those I knew already existed. This past summer though, I've reconnected with God and I can feel Him working in me. I can sense Him leading me to something much more fulfilling than a job such as dentistry. Dentistry might provide financial stability and people might look up to me as a dentist, but it wouldn't allow me to directly make a difference in the world.

And I don't know, maybe I'm just too darn idealistic and I have to just suck it up and understand that the world sucks and is full of problems that aren't my responsibility. But I want to try. I believe we're all capable of making a small difference, and all of those small differences can add up to something totally awesome that can make a dent in the world's problems.

I'm just asking that you remain patient with me.

I know it seems like I'm just being a lazy bum right now, living for free in this condo without contributing to the mortgage. You might be thinking that I just sit on my butt all day and surf the Internet or watch movies. And believe me, I HATE knowing that's what Beverly and Sandy think. And I am more than willing to just pack up my bags and move to an apartment with Bailey or something. I have a few thousand dollars saved up from working at the library. I don't mind moving out and paying for my own rent just so you guys don't have to think of me as a lazy bum, and just so Beverly can stop harassing you.

But I haven't been a bum. TRUST ME. I have applied to so many jobs! I've probably applied to a total of at least 20 jobs over the past month. But most of them are still open and accepting applications, so I won't hear back about getting hired for a while. And I have also become very involved in this Christian fellowship club on campus. Our main goal is to share Christ with others. I'm currently the president of the club and it's my job to get things done. I feel like I'm finally serving people and making a difference in their lives. I've found something that is fulfilling to me.

Mom called me a few days ago and I mentioned that I've thought about going to graduate school to pursue something in Ministry. She wasn't too supportive and I can understand why not. I know I appear fickle and it seems like I change my mind all the time. There are definitely examples of that in my life. I started painting and stopped. But that was because I didn't have time. I got a guitar and never learned to play it. But that's because it's hard to learn to play without a teacher and without the time. I was in school and lacked time, and I didn't want to pay someone to teach me guitar when I knew I didn't have time to practice.

Do you know that over the past couple months, I've picked up the guitar again and have started teaching myself how to play? Right now, mom and dad, there's nothing holding me back. I am not in school so studying doesn't take up all of my time anymore. I no longer have the burden of dentistry on my shoulders.

I hope you can see things from my perspective. Mom, I know you've been praying for me and I am so thankful I have a mother who believes in the power of prayer. Dad, I know you are a patient, understanding father, and I hope you can finally understand why I've been so confused and lacking direction. Please, just give me time. I know God will reveal to me soon what His vision is for my life. I've already got some idea and now I just need to wait and then take action.

I'm thankful for your patience, support, and especially, for your love.

I'll call you soon.

Love,

Steph

A New Beginning

2007-10-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

First post. It's been nearly four years since I started my first online blog. I started a xanga account my freshman year of college and used to update it at least once every couple of days, sometimes multiple times a day. Out of curiosity, I just re-read the first entry from that xanga blog, and the last sentence was,

"Well, I guess I should get some math done, as much as I should really keep the sabbath, but oh well. Like I said previously, I need Jesus but am currently stubborn and not answering His calls. Whatever."

I can't believe how much of a difference four years makes. Or maybe it just took being done with college to turn me around, but my spiritual life is totally not what it was back then. I decided to start a new blog since my life is going through a lot of new beginnings. For the first time in my life, I'm not in school. For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I want to do. For the first time in my life, I am completely counting on God to lead me. I think that merits a brand new blog, don't you think? I even created a new handle. Every time I signed up for something online during the past few years, I used the handle, "ladysmc."

Stemaca.

That's my new handle. That's my blog handle, my monster.com handle, and my gmail e-mail address handle. It seems more mature. It's ambigious. There's no hint of what gender I am within it. And I'm no longer a young lady, I guess. Most people would call me a woman, even though I still feel like a little girl most of the time.

So another new beginning. This renewed relationship with the Creator. Whew, I just let out a huge sigh.

For the first time in my life, I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my Pastors, not my boyfriend, not my friends, not my sisters. Even when I started college and thought I was completely independent, I was a slave to so many things. I was a slave to my obsession with Josh Groban. I was a slave to my obsession with celebrity pop culture and watching the latest film, listening to the latest band. I was a slave to my studies, especially. I was a slave to my professors and to my friends and to my own selfish desires. And even though I thought I knew what I wanted, even though I truly believed I was on the path to success, I was more lost than ever because God's will was totally absent.

I attended church every Sabbath. I prayed regularly before meals, in the mornings, before bed at night, I read devotional books. I didn't drink or do drugs or engage in promiscuous activities. But I didn't have a relationship with God. I didn't allow Him into my life and I didn't let Him guide me and mold me into the person He wanted me to become.

It took a crisis, a complete uncertainty about where my life was headed, to finally succumb.

But better late then never.

I am so thankful that we have such a forgiving and loving Creator who, even after I'd neglected Him for years, has welcomed me back into His heart with a warm embrace.

And so now, even though I still have no clue what to do with my life, even though I have two bachelor's degrees and a minor and yet don't know what jobs to consider, I feel the most content than I've ever felt.

I've let the Lord into my life, I've started conversing with Him. I am actually listening, rather than just asking and complaining and talking. And although it might take time for God's vision for my life to become truly revealed, I've come back to the start, and that's what matters.